What Are You Pretending Not To Know?

I use the word “authentic” a lot. With clients, with friends and with myself. I have a tattoo on my left wrist which says “Seek the Truth” which, to me, means seek what is authentic and true. It’s the best relationship advice there is because the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship in your life.

I don’t believe that there’s one, objective truth that we all have to live our lives by. I don’t believe my clients think that either – consciously or unconsciously. But living someone else’s life well is still a life wasted.

You are a one-of-a-kind, a special snowflake, utterly unique. Yes, this is getting a bit squishy….but hang with me.

Relationship Advice Newsflash ahead – You cannot have the life you want, make the decisions you want or be the person you are capable of being until your actions represent an authentic expression of who you really are in the world. Or who you wish to become.

Authenticity requires that you pay attention to Woody Allen’s (and my Dad’s) first rule of enlightenment – SHOW UP!

The first step in dissolving relationship problems is this – You must deliberately and purposefully be present in your life, turn up, be there – not off day dreaming, thinking about the shopping list, planning your next holiday etc.

“Ummm…what do you mean, aren’t I already showing up” – you might be thinking.

I wish I could answer yes but if I could give you a pair of glasses through which you could view the world as I see it, you’d see a whole different picture. If I could show you what I see in my office with clients without violating every ethical code I hold dear, you’d see the internal anguish of women in troubled relationships, responding with a bleak “nothing’s wrong” to an inquiring boyfriend.

In the words of Martin Amis “we are out there on the cutting edge of the uncontroversial.”

Recently a question was posed to me which has really helped dig deep and really interrogate my capacity to show up in my life. And in terms of relationship advice, it’s priceless – what are you pretending not to know?

Let’s look at how a sixty second conversation can startle you into showing up.

After spending some time in therapy doing some deep and personal work on herself, Anna felt more ready than she’d ever been to begin a serious and committed relationship. She had a fun time on the London dating scene. She met Tim, fell in love with him and they got married. He was studying to become a lawyer but part way through he realised he’d got into law for all the wrong reasons – recognition, status, money, the approval of society. He dropped out and got a job in marketing with a huge multi-national corporation. At the time, Anna defended Tim when various people in his life expressed disappointment.

His job posted him abroad and my friend dutifully followed him. After a few years, Tim got bored of bland corporate land and decided he wanted to pursue the bucolic, luscious life of the farmer. So, they moved again onto a small holding type set up.

As the reality of how difficult it is in reality to run a farm, Tim got restless again. Endless days of chores, early starts, the muttering of the long-term country folk who’d seen these city types many times before became too much for him and he longed to return to the urban environment again. He decided he’d like to teach and so went back to uni.

A while later, Anna discovered that Tim had been cutting classes to come back home after she’d gone to work. Tim had derailed professionally again. He was, by this time, understandably embarrassed. He suggested that the best plan was for him to stay home, take care of the house, do the chores etc while Anna continued to work. He discovered he liked being a househusband.

At the time, Anna was the member of a book club – a thinly veiled excuse to drink wine with a good group of girls. About a year into the book club, they were discussing a the topic of the role of women in marriage and relationships as a result of reading Double Fault by Lionel Shriver. Anna gave an impassioned speech about how things were different in this day and age, how women had many more options open to them and, as everyone knew, though she and Tim had reversed the traditional roles, they were very happy. She felt pretty pleased with herself, feeling quite the right-on feminist.

The group was silent after she finished her impromptu speech. And then one of the group leaned forward, refilled Anna’s glass and said “I love you Anna, but you’re full of shit”.

Anna was astonished but she continued, “Your relationship isn’t working for you. I believe you hate the whole arrangement, and you’ve lost respect for Tim. What are you pretending not to know?”

In that instant, and not a moment before, Anna knew she was right.

Up until that moment, Anna had been pushing away the nagging doubts she’d had about the relationship, sweeping them under the rug. Both she and Tim had been directing a lot of energy in NOT talking about emotions that seemed too painful to examine. Talking about their feelings might have forced an outcome for which they weren’t prepared. It took one comment, a flip remark from someone who was paying close attention to the intent beneath Anna’s words, to her body language, to the message which was that she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince anyone else that she was satisfied – to put her back in touch with reality.

Six months later, after many, many impassioned conversations, tears and sou-searching, Anna and Tim realised that while they did love each other, they didn’t love their life together and decided to end their marriage.

To this day Anna wonders how long she might have gone on, pretending not to know how deeply of kilter their marriage was. She is still grateful to her book club buddy who took the risk to deliver a message she badly needed to hear.

So I’m now asking you the same thing – is there something in your life that you’re pretending not to know?

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