Is It Okay To Read Your Partner’s Text Messages?

There’s been a lot about this around at the moment with various UK celebs getting busted for having flirty text messages etc found on their phones (hello Vernon Kay! We see you over there!). But is it OK to go through your partner’s phone?

I’m a person-centred counsellor at heart and that means I practice a non-judgmental approach in my work with clients. If you want to go through your partner’s phone, truly, I am much more interested in why you want to do that. So, suspending judgment, I turned to the internet – what do other people think of this?

On the forums I browsed through, similar topics came up -

Privacy – lots of people felt you should respect other people’s privacy and that includes text messages.

Reasonable Doubt – there’s a large voice out there that feels that you should respect someone’s privacy until they give you reasonable doubt to not. So if you begin to suspect your partner of cheating then reading their messages (and emails and I’m assuming Facebook messages etc) becomes totally fair game.

Coupledom – a few people seem to be saying that if you’re in a couple, then you’ve become one and then everything is up for grabs, so it should be normal and acceptable behaviour to read all missives whatever the mode of communication because you’re now a unit.

Of course it’s tempting. No one could deny that. Last year, I stole my boyfriend’s phone to get a hold of the numbers of his best friends to arrange a surprise party for him. Hiding in the loo at 2am, I realised I could just flick through all those messages if I wanted to. But, for me, it simply wasn’t something I was prepared to do. I respect his privacy and I expect him to respect mine.

Is it possible you might find something you didn’t want to see? More than likely. Hunting around online around this topic, I read about a girl who’d gone through her boyfriend’s phone only to discover he was about to propose and had been consulting friends on it. Surprise ruined, romance gone.

If you feel very strongly that your partner is giving you reasons to pursue a sneaky peak at his (or her) text messages, ask yourself what I’d ask you – what are your fantasies about what you’ll find? What will you do if the news is bad? What will you do if the news is ambiguous? How is this behaviour aligned with your values (and if you don’t know what your values are, sign up for my newsletter and get my 4 Steps to Finding the Career You Love, you’ll go through a very powerful process around your values).

I’d also be curious about what this behaviour says about the quality and quantity of communication between you and your partner. If you don’t trust him to the point where you feel you have to go through his phone, I’d be curious as to whether or not you trust him (and yourself) enough to have a conversation with him/her about your worries and concerns.

So while I’m not coming down on either side with a definitive answer, I do think that wanting or needing to go through your partner’s text messages in and of itself raises more important questions and it’s those questions that really need to be answered.

Tamarisk runs Two Chairs Counselling in London Bridge – working with career-orientated women who struggling with issues of self-confidence, self-esteem to live happier and more rewarding lives.

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