How To Deal With Difficult People Plus What If That Person Is You?

Sometimes it can feel like we’re surrounded by idiots, that everywhere we turn we’re dealing some new, previously undiscovered breed of moron. Difficult people seem to be everywhere. But because we’re only ever seeing the world through our own eyes, it can be hard to imagine that on some days, we’re the difficult person and it’s NOT everyone else.

I’ve come across a guy called Bob Sutton and his blog Work Matters. He’s written a fun book called The No Asshole Rule and on his blog he has a quizz you can take to find out if you’re the difficult. It does, of course, require an astounding degree of self awareness and honesty with yourself that I suspect the average “difficult person” would struggle with.

However, he highlights how if you work with a bunch of mean-spirited, back stabbing, cliquey types that that behaviour starts to rub off you. Studies have shown that emotions and behaviour patterns are remarkably contagious. Unwittingly, we start behaving in the same ways that the people around us do. He also points out that this behaviour can become part of a self-preservation strategy. In other words, we behave like our co-workers to protect ourselves – the group sanctions the behaviour and so it becomes permissable within that group to act like a douche or return fire when someone fires a cruel remark at you.

While you can jump over to the site and take the test for yourself, I was inspired to paraphrase some of the questions here. Have a think about them and be brutally honest with yourself when you answer. Think about these questions across a number of areas in your life – work, family, friendship groups etc.

• When you join a group does the mood palpably change? Do people leave the group soon after you join?
• When you do something generous for someone else, do you think it’s only right that your generosity allows you to direct that person’s actions?
• Do you find that people don’t readily return your phone calls and emails? Do people make plans without you, or invite you at the last minute?
• Do people seem slow to accept your generosity – say you offer to host Christmas dinner, you expect people would be thrilled but the response you get is less than luke-warm?
• Do you often find yourself rather defensively saying “I was only joking!?!” Does it seem like the people in your life constantly can’t seem to take a little teasing?
• Do you find yourself getting annoyed because despite giving great advice, no one ever follows it?
• Is it fairly common for people to offer to speak to third party for you on your behalf, rather than let you do your own talking?

Any yes answers here may indicate that you might be the difficult person. It’s not a hard and fast rule, of course, but try and be open to what comes up for you when you think about some of your answers and responses to these questions.

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