Then maybe you thought “I’m going to need to talk to Alvin/Simon/Theodor* about this before the issue gets worse”.

Then maybe you read my post about confrontation and thought “Yes…I am very weary of it…it hasn’t gone well in the past”.

Well hold on there, sparky fire pants!

That’s awesome that you want to dive in solve some tough stuff but, before you trot off to tell Alvin/Simon/Theodor what you think of them AND the horse they rode in on, scan through this list of the top 5 mistakes people make during a confrontation:

MISTAKE 1 – So…How’s it going…?

What’s wrong with this? I’m going to tell you (because I’m cool like that!). Without putting too fine a point on it, openings like this are disrespectful and dishonest. And, frankly, you’re not fooling annnnnyone.

I’m willing to bet you’ve asked this question, probably at work. You saunter over to a work colleague who you need to confront about something, you don’t want to be the mean boss, you want to make sure it’s clear that you guys are friends.

You sit down and ask this question. Their immediate thought…more than likely…is “Shit…something’s up”.

Most of us can sniff out a hidden agenda. 97% of communication is non-verbal so at this point your colleague is picking up on all sorts of clues that are leaking out. This question is now looking, sounding, smelling like a lead-in to bad news.

What happens next is that they come back with – “Great…everything’s going really well. I’m finding x,y,z a challenge but the team and I are brainstorming it this morning at 10am, I’ll make sure you get a full update on email as soon as we’re done!”

Sound familiar? Now where is the conversation? Nowhere useful, that’s for damn sure.

Most people will bluff their way through a thinly veiled confrontation for as long as they possibly can, coming up with plausible sounding rebuffs left, right and centre. But, if you have something you need to say, treat that person with the respect they deserve and say it.

MISTAKE 2 – THE BOURBON BISCUIT/CUSTARD CREAM/OREO COOKIE

This metaphor slightly falls down because ideally the middle of the biscuit/cookie would be something you didn’t want (instead of something you scrap off with your teeth…not something I’d know anything about).

This is the time-honoured classic where you sandwich a the issue between two compliments.

Or you go COMPLIMENT – ISSUE – BLAH, BLAH, WOW, YOUR HIGHLIGHTS LOOK GREAT! BLAH

This approach does two things. It diminishes the compliment that you want to pay someone AND it diminishes the importance of the issue that you’d like to discuss. Mainly because there’s a but in there. That word always changes the direction of a conversation, it’s indirect and clouds the message. It also has the nasty habit of making people feel paranoid.

MISTAKE 3 – THE OVER STUFFED WALRUS

In London, there’s a museum called The Horniman Museum (stop giggling…). This museum is in proud possession of an over-stuffed walrus.

Why? Because the taxidermist who stuffed it a gazillion years ago had never seen a real-live walrus ever before in his life, and had no idea they had lots of wrinkles. So he totally stuffed it. Literally.

What’s this got to do with confrontation? Well, I’ll tell you.

If you’re over-stuffing your message with too much padding, the message gets lost. We do this because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings (again…not something I’d know ANYTHING about!). It’s a good part of human nature, we don’t want to inflict pain on others. However, if you’ve worked up a sweat psyching yourself for a talk but put so much padding around your message, you will have expended all of that emotional energy for nothing, as the message gets lost.

What’s really happening here is that while you’re telling yourself you don’t want to hurt their feelings, you’re really trying to protect yourself.

Dealing with your own emotions is probably tough enough, you don’t really want to deal with someone else’s. Replace the stuffing with clear requests.

MISTAKE 4 – MYSTIC MEG

Otherwise known as predicting the future! What happens when you do this is that you rehearse a script ahead of time in your head. You think you know what they’re going to counter with, then you figure out what you’re going to say…etc.

What happens when you script the conversation ahead of time is that you can get so locked into the responses you’re expecting to hear that when you’re actually having the conversation, you miss how they actually respond. Which may be completely different to your script!

It’s also possible that if you’ve rehearsed your talk enough, you’ll end up delivering it in a rushed, cold, impersonal way.

As I’ve already said, 97% of communication is non-verbal so the images your playing in your mind of the rehearsed scenario are causing neurons to fire off and those messages get translated into bodily reactions.

If you’re imagining an angry response and you’re tensing up in preparation for one – all this is being communicated through your body. The person you’re talking to may not be angry, or at least not to start off with, but they’ll pick up on your physical cues and, more than likely, start to get defensive.

MISTAKE 5 – GOING NUCLEAR

This is the confrontational equivalent of basically being North Korea. No diplomacy, no UN Peace Keeping Force, no highly publicized visits by heads of state.

Sadly, most of us are familiar with the person who confronts by going nuclear straight away. They lob in the confrontational grenade but often, they’re so terrified of the response that they skip the defensive maneuvers and go directly to the high level defensive.

Cue screaming match. Or stunned silence. Either way, it’s not a positive experience for anyone.

The take away from this post is this – come straight at the issue. Get right to the point.

Check back here for more pointers on exactly how to do that.

*Major kudos to anyone who got my Chipmunks reference…

Burnout happens, not because we’re trying to solve problems but because we’ve been trying to solve the same problem over and over again.

If you read my previous post you might have figured out something that you’re pretending not to know. It might be something in your relationship, like in the story I told in that post.

If you have figured out that there’s something you’re pretending not to know, it’s highly likely you’re going to need to have a conversation with someone about something. I’m guessing something big. A confrontation.

And here comes the classic refrain – “But I hate confrontation…” said in a whiny tone.

Some things are more difficult to talk about than others, right? Many families, business teams, couples, groups of friends operate with an unspoken rule book that includes a list of undiscussables. These are topics that are just too risky to talk about and everyone is in silent agreement about it.

They are the things you bring up in your relationship that turn into a night of rowing, crying and someone sleeping on the sofa.

They might be in the form of quid pro quo agreements that means that without discussing it, everyone instinctively understands that the topic is never to be spoken about:

• I won’t yell at you about the credit card statement if you won’t go mad when I buy four pairs of shoes
• I won’t mention your drinking if you don’t talk about my weight
• I won’t complain about Call of Duty IV addiction if you don’t mention my close relationship with my ex

Sometimes we avoid saying things because we know there will be consequences (and if you get my newsletter, you’ll spot this thinking error).

• Have you lost your mind! If I said that to my boyfriend he’d go ballistic
• He’d just fall apart if I raised that issue, he’s just too fragile
• I think my boyfriend is sleeping with that girl from the office, but if I confront him with my evidence, he’ll deny it, tell me I’m an insecure, jealous harpie and will barely speak to me for a month
• If I talk about that, it’ll put ideas in his head

Are you doing this? Are you dodging a confrontation? I sure as hell have, and there’s no question that I still find it difficult despite years of training and personal development work that’s par for the course when you’re a therapist…I still struggle.

In my personal life and in my professional life, I’ve discovered that there is a seemingly universal talent for avoiding difficult conversations. “I don’t want to rock the boat” is often the excuse for not tackling the issue.

But if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.

If your stomach flips at the thought of confronting someone’s behaviour, then congratulations, you’re in excellent company. It’s way, way less threatening to talk about your dissatisfaction with your sex life than to look your boyfriend right in the eye and address the specific behaviour that may be causing your heart ache.

Fearing confrontation is natural. I’d say especially here in the UK, it’s not part of the cultural identity to open up and have heart-to-hearts. And besides, for the most part, confrontation didn’t go well in the past, am I right? All your attempts to date have taught you the same lesson again and again – don’t bother…it’s too painful…the stakes are just too high.

What are your fears about confronting the issues? Do any of these sound familiar?

• If I bring it up, it might escalate the problem
• I might be rejected
• I could lose the relationship
• Confronting the issue might bring about an outcome for which I am totally unprepared
• What if they retaliate?
• The cure could be worse than the disease
• If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and I’m going to keep pretending it ain’t broke
• What if they get emotional…or irrational?
• I’ll hurt their feelings
• They’ll hurt my feelings

But are the results of NOT confronting the problem?

• The problem could continue getting worse
• I could get rejected
• I could lose the relationship
• Emotions could continue running high until one of us blows

You see where I’m going with this. The very outcomes we fear the most if we confront someone’s behaviour are practically guaranteed to show up if we don’t.

Here’s the truth – it will just take longer and the results will likely occur at the worst possible moment, when you’re least prepared and feeling at your most vulnerable…and with a huge price tag attached.

When the topic of confrontation comes up you might well conjure up the picture of ranting, screaming, clenched fists, mad, wild eyes…you have a negative context for confrontation.

For example, let’s imagine you believe cats are dangerous. The door opens, a cat saunters in and pads over in your direction. That’s it. No claws, no howling, no hissing…nothing. Just that.

You are afraid. The cat didn’t scare you. Your believe scared you.

Beliefs determine how you feel and therefore they determine how you feel.

I’m going to be spending the next couple of weeks expanding on this theme of conflict and confrontation, but for the time being I want you think about what it is about confrontation that you hate – post your thoughts in the comments below.

You are a one-of-a-kind, a special snowflake, utterly unique. Yes, this is getting a bit squishy….but hang with me.

You cannot have the life you want, make the decisions you want or be the person you are capable of being until your actions represent an authentic expression of who you really are in the world. Or who you wish to become.

Authenticity requires that you pay attention to Woody Allen’s (and my Dad’s) first rule of enlightenment – SHOW UP!

You must deliberately and purposefully be present in your life, turn up, be there – not off day dreaming, thinking about the shopping list, planning your next holiday etc.

“Ummm…what do you mean, aren’t I already showing up” – you might be thinking.

I wish I could answer yes but if I could give you a pair of glasses through which you could view the world as I see it, you’d see a whole different picture. If I could show you what I see in my office with clients without violating every ethical code I hold dear, you’d see the internal anguish of women in troubled relationships, responding with a bleak “nothing’s wrong” to an inquiring boyfriend.

In the words of Martin Amis “we are out there on the cutting edge of the uncontroversial.”

Recently a question was posed to me which has really helped dig deep and really interrogate my capacity to show up in my life. The question is this – what are you pretending not to know?

Let’s look at how a sixty second conversation can startle you into showing up.

After spending some time in therapy doing some deep and personal work on herself, Anna felt more ready than she’d ever been to begin a serious and committed relationship. She had a fun time on the London dating scene. She met Tim, fell in love with him and they got married. He was studying to become a lawyer but part way through he realised he’d got into law for all the wrong reasons – recognition, status, money, the approval of society. He dropped out and got a job in marketing with a huge multi-national corporation. At the time, Anna defended Tim when various people in his life expressed disappointment.

His job posted him abroad and my friend dutifully followed him. After a few years, Tim got bored of bland corporate land and decided he wanted to pursue the bucolic, luscious life of the farmer. So, they moved again onto a small holding type set up.

As the reality of how difficult it is in reality to run a farm, Tim got restless again. Endless days of chores, early starts, the muttering of the long-term country folk who’d seen these city types many times before became too much for him and he longed to return to the urban environment again. He decided he’d like to teach and so went back to uni.

A while later, Anna discovered that Tim had been cutting classes to come back home after she’d gone to work. Tim had derailed professionally again. He was, by this time, understandably embarrassed. He suggested that the best plan was for him to stay home, take care of the house, do the chores etc while Anna continued to work. He discovered he liked being a househusband.

At the time, Anna was the member of a book club – a thinly veiled excuse to drink wine with a good group of girls. About a year into the book club, they were discussing a the topic of the role of women in marriage and relationships as a result of reading Double Fault by Lionel Shriver. Anna gave an impassioned speech about how things were different in this day and age, how women had many more options open to them and, as everyone knew, though she and Tim had reversed the traditional roles, they were very happy. She felt pretty pleased with herself, feeling quite the right-on feminist.

The group was silent after she finished her impromptu speech. And then one of the group leaned forward, refilled Anna’s glass and said “I love you Anna, but you’re full of shit”.

Anna was astonished but she continued, “Your relationship isn’t working for you. I believe you hate the whole arrangement, and you’ve lost respect for Tim. What are you pretending not to know?”

In that instant, and not a moment before, Anna knew she was right.

Up until that moment, Anna had been pushing away the nagging doubts she’d had about the relationship, sweeping them under the rug. Both she and Tim had been directing a lot of energy in NOT talking about emotions that seemed too painful to examine. Talking about their feelings might have forced an outcome for which they weren’t prepared. It took one comment, a flip remark from someone who was paying close attention to the intent beneath Anna’s words, to her body language, to the message which was that she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince anyone else that she was satisfied – to put her back in touch with reality.

Six months later, after many, many impassioned conversations, tears and sou-searching, Anna and Tim realised that while they did love each other, they didn’t love their life together and decided to end their marriage.

To this day Anna wonders how long she might have gone on, pretending not to know how deeply of kilter their marriage was. She is still grateful to her book club buddy who took the risk to deliver a message she badly needed to hear.

So I’m now asking you the same question – is there something in your life that you’re pretending not to know?

When the cabin pressure drops, they always tell you to attend to yourself first and then your child or a neighbour who needs help. I’ve always listened to that and thought – “No way, dude. I ain’t going out like that. I’m a helper! I’d mask up my neighbour before myself EVERY TIME!”

Well, guess what. I’m stupid.

There. I said it. The reason they ask you to do this is because you can’t help anyone else if you haven’t helped yourself first. They say this in any kind of lifesaving training. I did rescue training at the pool when I was a kid because I was strong swimmer and they didn’t have much else to teach me (when growing up in Hong Kong is a bonus…!). Again the first thing they tell you is to assess the situation. If there is any danger that you’ll die or get broken in some way in a rescue attempt, they just tell you to flat out not do it and get more help instead.

How does this apply to you?

If you’re not taking care of yourself first, all of your relationships will suffer.

The more confident you feel in your own skin, the more confidence will just radiate from you. The more you attend to your emotional needs, the more energy you’ll have to help others.

There are 5 areas I’d love for you to bring your attention to:

1. Physical Care – Care for yourself physically by exercising on a regular basis, eating healthy foods, and limiting the unhealthy foods. Physical care doesn’t simply mean eat healthy and working-out, it also means taking time for you physically. For example, spend extra attention on your own personal hygiene, more effort on your hair, spritz on some luscious perfume, floss, get more sleep, get a pedicure (you now officially have my permission!).  The more you care for yourself, the more you’ll hold yourself in a confident manner.

2. Mentally – Often you use your brain solely for work and by the end of the day you feel totally brain-dead.  It is vital to take time to decompress and relax your mind.  Feed your mind with something mentally stimulating that gets your mind excited. Read a good book, learn about a new topic, or educate yourself about a topic that you have wanted to learn about.  The more mentally satisfied you are, the more it impacts the way you can relate with others.

3. Emotionally – Take time to emotionally improve your mood.  The more stressed and overwhelmed you are, the harder it is for the people in your life to connect with you.  Your mood can automatically drive a wedge in between you and a significant other.  Take time to decompress your emotions, regulate your mood, and slow down your reactions. Your JOB is to regulate your mood.  If your emotions aren’t regulated, then your partner isn’t able to see that you are safe place to connect with.  Calm your nerves, decompress, and let out your steam in a productive manner.

4. Spiritually – Feed your soul with your spirituality….and this doesn’t necessarily mean “religious.”  Find a way to include your spirituality by meditations or connecting with mother-nature.

5. Relationally – Relationships all need nurturing, not just your relationship with your partner, but your relationships with all the significant people in your life.  Nurture your heart by improving your relationships with your children, friends, and family.  Make sure that you have a balance in your relationships, yet setting healthy boundaries.

A big step towards this is learning how to say “No” so that your no actually means no. I’ll be back with more on that one in another post.

BUT – if you can’t wait for that, check out my How to Survive and Thrive While Planning Your Wedding for a detailed how-to on how to say no and mean it without sounding (or feeling) mean.

Here’s what it means to my Dad: “If my life were a movie, then I am the star of the film. I think I should give an Oscar winning performance.

“Showing up, to me, means “being present”. In other words whatever we do, we should be 100% focussed and involved in what we are doing, or who we are with, or where we happen to be. What a waste for your body to be in one place and your mind somewhere else…neither half of you would be getting any benefit.

“Sometimes we might not be where we want to be, but we always have a choice of how we respond and choose to act. This is how you show up.

“I have learned through a combination of experience and doing a lot of work on myself that living like this pays huge dividends. Most of all my relationships with my loved ones, friends and colleagues have blossomed. I sense it in the way they respond to me and in what they say. I feel so much more engaged with the world, more spontaeneous and more relaxed. Go on – show up in your life!”

Personally, I think he’s captured it perfectly.

I’m reading a brilliant book at the moment called Fierce Conversations and the author uses a brilliant phrase that sharpens what, for me, showing up means – be here, prepared to be nowhere else.

When you show up – in conversations, at family dinners, out on a date with your boy or hanging out with your friends you give them and yourself the greatest compliment – the purity of your attention.

You know when you’re showing up because colours become vivid, you’re really seeing, really looking. Food tastes better. Why? Because you’re present in the moment, actually experiencing what it is you’re eating instead of mindlessly stuffing it in while thinking about what movie to see later, or how you need to clear out your wardrobe and sell some stuff on ebay.

When you show up, fully present in your conversations, people DO sense it. I believe my Dad is totally right on that one. Both you and they feel honoured and respected because you are giving them the purity of your attention. It’s an incredible experience and it can feel a little scary to begin with. We’re not used to it. We’re much more used to checking out in our lives…imagining other things, planning stuff to do…we’re physically present but our minds have galloped off to someplace else.

Experiment with bringing your thoughts and your attention back to your conversations this week and see what happens. I’d love to know what happens, so do post in the comments.

Provided the pair got through getting hitched without a hitch, stats say they now face the most treacherous years of marriage right ahead of them. Not only is the dropout rate in the first two years of marriage particularly high (in Britain, almost 10% of all divorces happen in the first two years), but apparently the patterns that lead to divorce are already set.

A couple of academics in Texas have written a weighty tome, tongue tangling titled The Connubial Crucible: Newlywed Years as Predictors of Marital Delight, Distress and Divorce. The authors found that the way you behave in those early years foreshadows your long-term marital fate.

“Disillusionment as reflected in a decline in overt affection, a lessening of the conviction that one’s spouse is responsive and an increase in ambivalence distinguishes couples headed for divorce from those who establish a stable marital bond”, says Ted Huston, one of the authors.

All this behaviour allows resentment to build up between you. And resentment is the poison that slowly kills off relationships. The problem with allowing resentment to build up is that it has a way of eating up the insides of the person holding onto it. In turn it eats away at the integrity of the relationship.

I see this a lot in my office and the most common cause of allowing resentment to build up is that people have insufficient communication tools to be able to have the connecting conversations they need to be having instead of conversations that look and sound like this:

“ALL YOU DO IS MOAN!” *Holy shit, you think to yourself, all I said was we’re out of milk.*

Or…

“….” *This is the punctuation equivalent of sulking*

Or…

“Mutter…muttter….can’t load a stupid dishwasher…mutter…mutter” *Yes, ladies, I think we’ve all been here. King, Queen, Princess and President of that mystical land Passive-Aggressivelandia. It’s fun there! You get to mutter about things that annoy you under your breath! Their currency is called Sarcasm! Although inflation is high, so Sarcasm doesn’t buy you very much*

Making a conscious effort to equip yourself with communication techniques that actually work is a good place to start. In fact, it’s a good idea to start before you get married. And, as luck would have it, I’ve made something that can help with that. Check out my How to Survive and Thrive While Planning Your Wedding for tips and techniques you can use instantly to have better, more effective conversations with people today.

I literally just coached a friend through a tough conversation using these techniques, she’s got things back on track in a matter of minutes. So, I know they work!

1. Wedding Vendors
Say “wedding” and the price goes up 25%. That goes for venues, caterers, florist etc. It’s one of the main reasons I know people choose to get married abroad where the wedding industry isn’t so intense – France for instance. Vendors want to make money and will often use what I call conversation spoilers such as judgement in order to apply the pressure and really hit your emotional trigger points. Have a budget and stick to it. Say NO (thank you). And learn to listen out for the kind of communication they’re using to get you to spend more than you’re comfortable with.

2. Divorced and bickering friends and family members

These people stress you out for a few reasons. One, you’re wondering how they’ll behave at your wedding. Two, you’re scared that’s going to be you in ten years with your love. And finally, it seems like they just suck all the positive energy out of the room.

How to deal with it? Well, this is where some savvy communication tactics come into play. Be ready to listen out for conversation spoilers like distortions, deletions, generalisations and providing solutions that all shut down open, honest and CLEAR communication. Second, brush up on your listening skills. Seriously, people love. to. talk. So if you can listen in a way that gets people talking, you’ll be off to the races in terms of diffusing the bickering and stopping it from raining on your parade.

Take some time to learn how to communicate to these folks so that you can let them know that what they’re saying is upsetting and hurtful and figure out some strategies together as to how you can move past this.

Finally, if you’re worried that this will be you and your honey in ten years time…think about a couple of sessions of pre-wedding counselling just to hone and polish your communication skills. Even the most sorted couples I know have said they benefited no end from taking this step to protect their relationship.

3. Well meaning opinions of others

Everyone will want to know the details of your wedding and everyone will have an opinion. That they’re not scared to voice. Sometimes forcefully. It blows my mind when I’m just on the side lines of a conversation about wedding plans…once revealed, I’ve heard people say, without a pause for thought of whether or not what they’re about to say might be hurtful, things like “Oh you don’t want to do that!” or “Green…? But that’s such a difficult colour to wear.” And guess what, you have the right to say “I don’t care”. You might not want to say that out loud or you might want to say it in a more polite way, but that’s still your right.

4. Your parents

Your parents may well have been a source of stress for most of your life, so why would they stop now, right?! Whether its complaining about money you’re spending, wanting to have a hand in everything, leaving you feeling like you’ll never live up to their ideals of what a wedding should be, or disapproving of your marriage totally, parents have that special knack to really push your buttons.
Be clear on your boundaries. That means being able to say no and sticking to it. If your parents are contributing money to the wedding, being clear on the boundaries is crucial. If you constantly find yourself saying “no, but” or “no, because” or “yes, no, maybe, I don’t know”…you’re demonstrating to that other person that it’s OK to push you, that it’s OK to over-step your boundaries because you don’t respect them either. It also means becoming aware of people-pleasing behaviour and making a conscious effort to move away from it.

5. Each other
It’s true, the number one person who will stress you out the most is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. This is mostly because weddings are stressful, and they’re the person you’ll be around most. The most common complaints are “He’s not doing anything to help with the wedding” and “she never talks about anything other than the wedding.” Avoid this with some simple planning.

And guess what? Clear communication is, again, the best way to gracefully navigate these choppy waters. That might mean you go ahead to divide up the tasks between you so that you don’t suddenly get into a row about doing most of the organising (don’t forget to check in with each other, it doesn’t take much to report back to the other person and say “Done, x,y and z!”)

You might want to take this a step  further and sit down with a calendar. Figure out when you have time to schedule a couple of hours each week to deal with wedding stuff together.

Then, schedule a NO WEDDING night. This is perhaps the most important thing to stop each other from stressing you out. One night a week, neither of you are allowed to mention the word wedding or anything wedding related. This can be a date night, or just a relaxing at home together night to remind you why you’re going through all this craziness in the first place!

If you’d like to invest in some strategies to help make planning your wedding easier, then you’ll love this new audio download I’ve created especially with you in mind! It’s called How to Survive and Thrive While Planning Your Wedding and it’s packed to the gills with skills on how to spot communication spoilers, how to talk so people will listen and how to get what you want without sounding (or feeling) like a brat!

Click on this link to grab your copy now!

Have you ever wondered what’s happened when you find yourself in a newsagent buying, say, a bar of Galaxy, even though you’ve sworn you’re off chocolate? Or reaching across the table to finish off someone else’s chips? Or getting through an entire packet of biscuits? You may think you have no will power, but actually it’s much more complicated.

Many people believe that they just need will power or a good telling off to manage their weight successfully, but will power isn’t something you have or don’t have – it’s a skill (aside from Tamarisk…psychologists have also recently discovered that will power is also a finite resource, you literally can run out of it!). Saying no to the chocolate brownies, and turning down a much needed glass of wine is not only a sign of will power; it’s a sign that you’ve made a conscious choice to do something, because you believe the benefits outweigh the downsides. So while eating the chocolate brownie might make you feel better in the short term, it might also mean you won’t be able to fit into your skinny jeans! In reality everything we do is preceded by a thought. This includes everything we eat. It just may not seem like it because our actions often feel automatic.

Often overeating, grazing or cravings are unconscious, habitual responses to a variety of ‘triggers’. These triggers can be external, such as the sight or smell of food, or internal and emotional, such as a response to stress, anger, boredom or emptiness. In short, what, when and how we eat is strongly influenced by a wide range of social, cultural and biological factors.

These factors operate at an unconscious level; we are almost entirely unaware of them. In reality it is very difficult to distinguish between true hunger – when our tummy is rumbling and we are feeling the need for fuel – and emotional hunger. Emotional hunger encompasses a whole range of unconscious motivations. Some people eat when they feel upset, others when they are anxious or depressed. Some turn to food to alleviate boredom and others see it as a reward. The problem with emotional eating is that it usually results in us consuming a lot of calories we don’t really need, even if we think we want them.

In order to prevent emotional eating we first of all need to be able to recognize it. It is only when we have learnt to recognize it that we are able to make a conscious choice not to do it! Unless you have learnt to identify their distinguishing characteristics emotional hunger and true hunger can actually feel very similar. The next time you feel really hungry look for the following signals that your appetite may be based on emotions rather than true physical hunger. This awareness will help prevent an emotional eating episode.

Emotional Hunger is:

• Sudden. One minute you’re not hungry, the next you’re starving
• For a specific food. The only thing you need is a very specific food – chocolate, cake, biscuits…
• Is paired with emotion. Your work is going badly, you’re kids aren’t listening, your partner came home in a bad mood. Emotional hunger occurs in conjunction with an upsetting emotion.
• Often involves automatic or absent minded eating. This means you’re not aware of what you’re putting in your mouth. Classic examples are a Starbucks coffee and muffin eaten on the run.
• Does not recognise when you’re full and results in guilty feelings. Emotional eating often stems from a desire to meet the need of painful feelings that are difficult to stay with, we eat to numb the pain. The paradox is that we started eating to feel better, but we end up feeling a whole lot worse.

True, Physical Hunger is:

• Is gradual. Your tummy rumbles. An hour later it growls, you gradually feel the need for fuel.
• Is more flexible. With true physical hunger you are more open to a range of different choices and you’re listening out for what your body really needs.
• Occurs out of physical need. Perhaps it’s been some time since you last ate. You may be tired, low on energy or light headed.
• Involves choices and an awareness of what you are eating. When you are physically hungry you make a conscious choice about what and how much you eat.
• Stops when full. True, physical hunger comes from a desire to nourish the body. As soon as that intention is met you stop eating. There is NO guilt or shame associated with eating from a place of true, physical hunger.

So, how do we break the cycle of emotional eating?
The first step is to understand why. Are there any obvious triggers you can identify? Look at your current eating habits. What preceded your purchase of the Galaxy Bar, what happened before you reached across and ate the chips, why did you finish the biscuits? And crucially, how did you feel? Angry, bored, depressed, hopeless, out of control. It’s only by recognizing and
identifying these feelings that you can start to take action against emotional eating.

Try following these practical steps:

• Pause and ask yourself – do I want this or do I need this? Is this physical hunger or emotional hunger? Try and think of the consequences of eating whatever it might be.
• Get moving in the morning – sounds weird I know. But by taking a shower, putting in your contact lenses or even better getting some exercise before breakfast you will feel more in control.

• Think about your reason ‘why’ every day. People often have a very specific reason why they want to lose weight. Remind yourself daily of this reason.
• Adopt an Image – Is there an image or photograph that inspires you? If you have one, pop it onto your fridge, or keep it in your handbag.
• Find an alternative comfort to food – after a bad day comfort yourself with a luxury bubble bath, or even better a massage. Consider the benefits of a manicure, let’s face you can’t dip wet nails into the biscuit tin! By finding ways of coping with stress other than food you are empowering yourself to deal with life in a far more positive way.

Boy meets girl. Boy gets girl’s phone number. Boy decides not to be a douche and actually calls girl reasonably soon after meeting her. They start dating and we’re off to the races.

Fast forward a couple of months and Boy and Girl are driving home from a party (just for the pedants out there, no one is driving drunk in this story. In fact, no one is drunk AT ALL in this story). They had a lovely time, they met new people, caught up with old people, had some great food and everyone promised “we mustn’t leave it so long next time!”

After a bit of chit chat in the car, the conversation naturally slows and they’re sitting there watching the world go by, listening to the radio…you get the idea. Boy is thinking about maybe playing a bit of Call of Duty 4 when he gets home. Girl is thinking about the party and this is where things go weird.

Girl’s thinking runs a bit like this – “That was a fun party, it was good to catch up with those friends. I hope Boy didn’t mind hanging out with my friends. He seemed like he was having a good time. I did see him checking out Jessica. I wondered what he thought of her. I wondered what they got to talking about. Maybe I should have gone over there…or got a bit closer to eavesdrop.

“I guess he wasn’t chatting to her for that long. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t flirting. The other boyfriends there seemed to like him. That’s good. Although he wasn’t as funny as some of the other guys.

“Do I think he’s funny? I’ve never really thought about it that much before…I used to laugh loads with my ex. I don’t think I laugh as much with Boy. Does that mean we’ll eventually run out of things to say?!? What do I do if that happens? I mean I fancy him! Yes, I absolutely do fancy him…but that fades eventually, doesn’t it? It’s not like he’s loaded either.

“But he does have a good job…but then he keeps talking about wanting to set up his own business. Maybe he’s actually really irresponsible with money and I haven’t seen that side of his character…I don’t even understand his business idea, it sounds like crazy nonsense to me.He’s going to end up broke. We’re going to end up broke…living in a box and stealing cat food. He obviously doesn’t consider what I want or what my needs are!

“Urgh…he flirts with all my friends and he’s totally irresponsible with money. WHAT AM I DOING???…Hang on, hang on. I know no one is perfect. It’s not like I expected a knight on a horse to come riding into my life at sunset. Although that would be nice…he doesn’t really care that much about me…he’s just killing time until some better deal comes up. Oh GOD. I hate being in this car. I hate being here. I’M SO MISERABLE.”

Girl begins crying. Boy is shocked.

Before Boy can say anything, Girl looks over at Boy and says, through sobs:

“I know you’re not a knight on a horse who’s coming to rescue me at sunset but sometimes I kind of want that…and I’m not a princess who needs to be rescued but sometimes I sort of feel that way and that if you were to sometimes just ride into my rescue then…then…*more sobbing*…

Aghast, Boy has no idea what’s happening but intuitively feels that the best thing to do here is pull over the car, give Girl a massive hug and tell her everything will be fine and that he’ll pick up something great for dinner on the way home. This seems to do the trick.

A couple of days later, Boy is at the gym with a friend. The conversation from the other day pops into his head. The whole thing still utterly baffles him and he says to his friend:

“Hey dude…has Girl ever said anything to you about a horse?”