Two Chairs Counselling

Mothers! Can you BELIEVE I’ve come this far on the blog without writing a post about mothers! We therapists have something of a reputation for banging out about mothers.

Well, that day is finally here. Today, I’m going to be sharing with you how your relationship with your mother effects your relationship. I touched on how your relationship with your dad effects your relationship and your relationship with your mother…and perhaps more importantly the type of mother she is, is probably even more important.

There are, roughly, six broad types of mothering that can cause sticking points for you in your present relationship, so let’s dive and take a look:

• The Martyr Mother

Whatever the reason for the sacrifice, Martyr Mothers won’t let you forget it. Guilt is used as a powerful weapon. Chances are you ended up feeling responsible, or even to blame, for this. You probably jump quickly into the role of peacemaker.

How is this impacting you today? Your experiences of close relationships have been draining and claustrophobic. It’s not surprising that you are wary of being trapped and find commitment difficult. You either have a tough, independent streak that stops people from getting too close and it’s likely that you’ve had a series of short lived relationships that never really got off the ground.

• The Critical Mother

Wanting the best for their children and wanting them to succeed is natural but it can be a fine line between this…and criticism. If your mother’s style seems similar to this, it’s possible that you’ll feel you can never truly please her.

How is this impacting you today? You either keep finding fault with your man, dumping him and hoping that the next one will be perfect. Or, it’s possible that you have become hyper-sensitive to anything that sounds remotely critical, flying off the handle at the slightest thing. Anyone ever told you you’re high-maintenance? This might be what’s happening for you.

• The Perfect Mother

For this mum, “good” is never enough. They have to be super-mum. She holds down a demanding job, runs the house, bakes, is on the PTA and helps out behind the scenes at the school play.

How is this effecting you today? What your mum showed you was what was possible, chances are you’re pretty super yourself…which is a good thing! However, it can leave you attracting the sort of men who you believe need their problems sorting out. Although flattering, this can leave you feeling like you’re in a relationship with a man-boy. Not a great foundation for a successful long-term relationship. It’s possible you behave like everyone’s mother and if that’s you, it’s time to step back and let the people in your life take responsibility for themselves.

• The Controlling Mother

This is another example of how great mothering can tip over into treacherous territory. It’s a little leap from looking out for your kids and smothering; these “take-over” mothers can struggle to see the difference. Maybe she was always ready to fight your battles at school, or “have a talk” with the mother of another child.

How is this effecting you now? Apart from your mum probably having strong opinions about your choice of man, it’s likely that your biggest fear is being swallowed up and losing control. You’ll find yourself being drawn to people who are unavailable in some way – maybe they live on the other side of the country…or the world. Married or committed men or men who are wedded to their work.

• The Secrets Mother

If there’s a family secret to keep hidden, it’s possible your mum expended a lot of energy keeping up appearances. Maybe a drinking problem…family debts…a philandering husband. The issue is kept hidden from the children as much as possible. Whatever it is, there’s the knowledge that “we’re different”.

How is effecting your relationship now? For you, the risk is that you’re fearful of getting hurt and in order to defend yourself against this, you’ll keep men at arms length. You can also feel responsible for managing everyone’s behaviour. And this is not only impossible but sets you up for getting stuck in a cycle of low-self esteem.

• The Racy Mother

Ever seen a mum trying to compete with her daughter? This is what I’m talking about here. Recently, I watched a show about glamour model Alicia Duvall and her daughter. Revelations of Alicia’s secret sexual trysts with a married footballer were splashed all over the tabloids…and scattered all over their home for her daughter to see. Needless to say, my jaw dropped.

How is this type of mother effecting your relationship now? If your mother was in competition with you, or even setting herself up as your love rival, it’s likely you’re at one of two extremes. Either you have thrown yourself into relationships and committed too quickly, often to unsuitable men. Or you frequently hold back to the point that men imagine you to be icy cold.

And you know what? If any of these have resonated with you, it’s OK. You’re in excellent company. No one taught your mother how to do it better, so blame and resentment is not the way forward. Although it feels natural. Truly, forgiveness is the key to moving forward with your relationships in the present.

If any of these has resonated with you, and you’d like to talk to me a bit further about how to move past the effects in your present, call me today to set up a complimentary 30min chat, I’m on 07854 687 568.

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Right now, I am in the middle of teaching a class on how to create better relationships by learning to turn conflict into communication. A big part of that is figuring out the lessons you got taught about how to handle conflict right from the very beginning – from your parents.

You watched how your parents negotiated, argued, avoided confrontation, tackled it head on…and it became your blueprint for relationships and how to handle conflict.

But, it’s not just the relationship between your parents that has shaped your personality, it’s also (and more importantly) your relationship with both your mother and father that has shaped you.

Let’s look at our Dads first. The relationship we have with our dads is really significant for us daughters because he is, literally, the first man in our lives. There are 6 broad types of “Dad” and while most will use a couple of parenting styles, they’ll have a core style. Let’s take a look:

• The Doting Dad

This sounds ideal, right? Surely everyone wants a relationship with their dad where he does on us. And, there’s no arguing that you’ll grow up with a good deal more self-confidence if you’re adored by dad. But there is a point where this doting relationship turns into being spoiled.

How is this impacting you today? It’s hard to truly grow up if your doting dad is always ready to ride to your rescue. It’s also possible, in fact, highly likely that you’ll have something of a fairy tale fantasy when it comes to men – expecting to be treated like a princess, or perhaps your life is hold while you wait to be rescued by prince charming.

The thing is, if you behave like a child, your boyfriend will automatically slot into the parent role. Not sexy. So if you know that you resort to child-like ways of responding in your relationship; sulking, throwing tantrums or nagging then stop. Ask yourself – what would an adult do?

• The Dangerous Dad

This is the opposite to the doting dad. This dad is still quite child-like himself. They might seem glamorous and exciting but they often have a darker side: serial philandering, several ex-wives, maybe a hidden love child. Others are dangerous because of drinking – they’ll have a Jackal and Hide style to their personalities. One thing is for sure, they are great at creating drama.

This dad may be great at being the centre of attention – at family gatherings, when your mates come round and it’s possible that this is fueled by too much booze.

How is this impacting your relationships today? Do you have a pattern of dating unpredictable men…? Do you love, love, love the challenge of the bad boy? Going after these guys undermines your confidence in your judgment. It’s got you frightened to make a commitment because experience has taught you that relationships are dangerous.

• The Dictatorial Dad

This dad is the head of the household. He’s strict and quite the taskmaster. Work comes before play and bedtimes, chores and homework can easily become hot button issues. It’s not surprising that children of dictatorial dads grow up to be rebels. A strict dad wants the best for his children, but this form of tough love can come across as being deeply critical.

How is this impacting your relationships today? The long term effect tends to be that your relationships are charaterised by power struggles. Perhaps you’re a perfectionist yourself and so no one meets those high-standards. Alternatively, you’re frightened of being controlled in your relationship so you keep people at arm’s length.

Next time you’re faced with a decision ask yourself these 3 questions – First, what would my dad want me to do? Second, what would I do if I was rebelling (because just doing the opposite is not freedom either). Finally, ask yourself what you really want to do.

• The Distant Dad

This dad might be emotionally distant, physically distant or both. Maybe he was around but always in the shed, out gardening, behind the newspaper, in his study. Maybe business kept him away from home for long stretches of time. Either way, this dad kept his emotions to himself and seems like an enigma to his children.

How is this impacting your relationships today? Daughters of distant dads are often drawn to men who either find it hard to commit or to men who keep their feelings to themselves. Although as an adult you might understand why your dad was distant, as a child it will have felt deeply personal, and this can leave you worried that nobody will ever truly love you.

• The Destructive Dad

At the most extreme end of the spectrum, these dads might have outright abandoned their children. In the middle of the spectrum, they are not aware of how their comments can come across as thoughtless and damaging to your self-esteem.Off the cuff remarks about eating dessert, for instance.

I remember my dad jokingly called me a “blonde bimbo” on one occasion when I was 14 – a tender age for self-confidence and self-esteem. I was furious. I began pushing myself to read literature that I found completely impenetrable just to prove a point! But if your dad regularly made bumbling remarks like these, it can be crushing.

What’s the relationship impact today? You’re likely choosing unavailable men (like married ones) who will end up abandoning you…reconfirming your lack of self-worth. Experience has taught you that those closest to you are most likely to hurt you, leaving you with a toxic combination of fear of commitment and low self-esteem.

If any of these have resonated with you, it’s OK. You’re in excellent company. You know what…no one taught your parents how to do it better, so blame and resentment is not the way forward. Although it feels natural. Truly, forgiveness is the key to moving forward with your relationships in the present.

Related Posts:

• How To Unpack Your Relationship Baggage
  

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Some of you might have heard of Seth Godin, but I’m willing to bet that most of you aren’t as geeky as me when it comes to teaching yourself marketing stuff.

Fair enough…so what’s he got to do with you?

Good question. I was having a conversation with someone recently about their relationship. She was bemoaning the fact that things in her relationship had started out great but that they’d hit a plateau and it wasn’t like it was a bad relationship now…it was boring.

No one sets out to have a boring relationship. But it happens all the time.

This is where Seth comes in. He published a book back in 2007 called The Dip. In this book, he states that “almost everything in life worth doing is controlled by the dip. At the beginning, when you first start something, it’s fun and interesting, and you get plenty of good feedback from the people around you.”

In the beginning, relationships are fun.

It’s new! You’re getting loads of sex! You have someone to spend your Sunday’s with! You have that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling every time you see them! Your friends tell you they’ve never seen you so happy!

And then The Dip happens.

The Dip is the long road between starting a task and mastering it. And, I’m telling you, relationships are something to be mastered. Seth says that “the dip is the long stretch between beginner’s luck and real accomplishment.”

Or, if you prefer the straight talking version – the part where you realise “the sexy” has gone.

The difference between a mediocre relationship and an excellent one is not innate talent. Or not being a child of divorced parents. Or being totally convinced that you look good naked. The difference is the ability to do what it takes to push through the moments that suck or are boring when you know it would be easier to quit.

Sometimes though, quitting can help.

Immediate caveat – I do not mean quitting the relationship.

Seth and his shiny pate (he’s bald and has a head so shiny you could do your make-up in it. Seriously. Google him. I’ll wait) say that “believe it or not, quitting is great strategy, a smart way to manage your life and your career.”

What he’s saying here is that in order to be the best at something, you must quit many pursuits along the way. Quit doing the stuff that no longer serves you. He says it this way: “You should quit if you’re on a dead-end path”.

This is not to say you quit the relationship when you love your guy, abandoning your long term goal of being in a satisfying, healthy relationship, but quit the tactics that aren’t working.

I’ve encountered so many women who continue to practice the same ineffective methods of being in their relationship. More often than not, these apply specifically to communication and conflict. The number one thing people consistently want to improve in their relationships is communication. But get this:

The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I’ve annoyed and pissed off enough of my friends by saying that if they want their relationships to improve then they need to change rather than bitching about how annoying their boyfriend is (you were nicer before you re-trained…they mutter).

The key to having a great relationship starts with you. Ditch what’s not working and step up to invest in learning new ways that work better.

Lean into The Dip, hear the messages it’s giving you – the way you’re handling this isn’t working and that’s why it’s boring/hard/frustrating. Change the game as you go along, and ask for help when you need it.

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I’ve said it here on this blog before. I say it AT LEAST twice a week in sessions with clients. So I think we can all agree I think it’s important. I believe it’s the key to building better relationships with everyone.

Want I think is so important is this – We Teach People How To Treat Us.

What exactly do I mean by that? I mean that people will take their cues from you about how you will allow them to act around you. I mean that every time something really annoys you and you let it go without saying a word, you are sanctioning that behaviour – implicitly you are saying to that person “It’s OK for you to say that to me”. Cue worse relationships with those in your life.

Let’s use an example here – you have a friend who’s a bit of drama queen. She’s your friend because she’s great fun, she’s the life and soul of the party and you really enjoy her upbeat energy and vitality when she’s on tip top form. However, there’s a downside to this person being in your life.

This drama queen side to her personality means she’s no stranger to calling you up for long, loooooooong moaning sessions about whatever’s going on with her. Or maybe she turns up to your house and overstays her welcome. Whatever, you get the idea.

The result is that it drains you of your energy. Getting sucked in the vortex of the latest crisis leaves you feeling completely rinsed. This relationship is not enjoyable and fulfilling.

How did you get here? You allowed the behaviour to continue unchecked. You taught her that it is OK to treat you like this.

We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves too. Have you ever known someone who’s confident, poised, charming and seems to ooze a quiet inner strength. You sort of want to hate them but they’re too nice…you just can’t. They’ll admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. They give credit where credit is due. They aren’t arrogant or stuck up but they do take pride in a job well done.

Got someone like that in mind? Even if they’re a fictional character? Good. Now, have you noticed how this person often seems to get what they want? Have you noticed how your boss seems to have more respect for this person? Have you noticed how they just don’t have to deal with the same level of crap that you do?

Why is that? That person models how they want to be treated by others by how they handle themselves.

The person who’s springing to my mind is Joan Holloway from Mad Men. Fans of the show will know who I mean – this character holds herself in high esteem. She gets the respect she expects from those in her world because she teaches people how to treat her, she’s unambiguous about what behaviours she will and won’t tolerate.

I’m aware that this might sound really “judgey” written down like this but that is not my intention. If you’ve realised that there is someone in your life who doesn’t treat you the way you would like to be treated and you’re realising that you might have been allowing them to treat you that way – good! But stop right there.

Judging yourself or blaming yourself isn’t a compassionate, loving way to move forward once you’ve had this realisation.

By realising that the power is in your hands, by knowing that you and only you are responsible for asking how you want to be treated by others, it’s only up to you to get more of what you want by changing how you invite others to behave towards you.

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Boundaries. You’ve heard the term before no doubt. It’s highly likely you’re not totally clear on exactly what they mean, what they are, what they look like.

In essence they are the invisible lines between you and the people in your life. When they are up and running as they should be they keep you emotionally safe and secure. They are the inviolable limits that you personally set for your comfort levels in life. They can take the form of sexual boundaries (what will and won’t do in bed/what you are and aren’t comfortable with). There are also physical, social, financial, intellectual and spiritual boundaries.

They primary purpose is to help you determine your feelings, needs, wants, responsibilities and identity from others.

Relationship boundaries help you to be clear about your individuality, your own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs are unique to you and separate from the people in you life.

Why bother having them? They are an integral part of your sense of confidence and self-esteem. Low confidence and low esteem almost always comes hand-in-hand with crappy boundaries. You’ll allow anyone and everyone to treat you like a doormat because on some level you do not believe that asking for and having your needs met is something you have a right to.

Because we teach people how to treat us, knowing what our boundaries is crucial. If you’re wondering why it feels like everyone takes advantage of you, why it seems like you bend over backwards for others but are shocked when they simply do not behave the same way in return, I encourage you to think about what your limits are and how you communicate them.

If the people in your life don’t know what your limits are, they’ll assume it’s OK to keep going until you say stop.

Let’s look at different types of boundaries and how you set them:

Physical Boundaries - you set these by being clear about:

• Who can touch you
• How and when you are touched
• Being clear about your sense of personal space

Emotional Boundaries – you set these by being clear about:

• Setting limits on how you expect to be treated, ie: It is NOT OK for you to drunk dial me at 3am on a Tuesday.
• Not tolerating remarks that, to you, are sexist, racist etc
• Speaking up for the things you believe in with integrity

Relationship Boundaries – you set these by being clear about:

• Not tolerating it when people are mean or cruel towards you
• Clearly communicating your expectations about your relationship (whoever it’s with!)
• Being clear about what is and isn’t OK

Here are some examples of boundary violations – when you allow someone to do something that oversteps your line.

• You spend lots of time coming up with a great plan for dinner. You head out of your way to get lovely organic steak, you delicately create a tricky sauce, you get the house looking gorgeous. Your man turns up an hour and a half late and a bit drunk. The food is cold, the sauce ruined, the candles burned out. You’re angry. BUT you say nothing, do nothing and act like everything is fine.
• You’re at the bar, this guy is flirting with you, you’re kind of into him. Cut to the end of the evening and you find yourself going home with him and sleeping with him because, ultimately, you want him to like you.

Allowing your relationship boundaries to be crossed this way on a regular basis chips away at your self-esteem over time. Without them, it becomes tougher and tougher to create healthy relationships that nourish you, that allow you to get your needs met. Setting limits means you stop resentful, angry feelings from building up.

The first step to setting healthy boundaries is to become aware of them, so spend some time just thinking about what your limits are. Conversely, think about times when you’ve felt resentful about something that happened and think about what boundary might have been crossed for you.

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Being right can often look innocent enough:

Ann: “Babe, we didn’t go out Friday, it was Saturday.”

It can also seem very rational:

Ann: “When you carry the sports gear separately, rather than in the sports bag, you have a better chance of losing things.”
David: “I prefer to just bring the necessities rather than a big bag.”

(So far so good…until…)

Ann: “But that doesn’t make sense. It’s much easier to have everything in one place and secure. Everyone knows that, why don’t you?”

And it can be extreme:
Dan: “You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t do the dishes like that. First, you wash them with dish soap, then you rinse them, and then you put them in the dishwasher. I can’t believe you’re washing them that way!”

Being right, at its extreme, sends out the message to the other person that they’re stupid. Although most people are smart enough to not call someone stupid directly, the other person is well aware that’s what you’re thinking.

Allow your partner to not be “wrong” and look for a middle ground. Perhaps you’re both “right” and you just see things differently. By creating space for an alternative, you allow for the possibility of a win-win situation rather than a win-lose. This helps you, your partner, and the relationship. Remember, “You can be right or you can be married.” You can’t be both. (If you’re not married, this obviously still applies!)

Challenge: If anyone has ever told you that you always have to be right or that you’re argumentative or need to get in the last word, then pay attention. You may struggle with this and, trust me, even if you are right 90% or the time, it’s annoying to live with.

When you notice yourself in that space, take a deep breath, close your mouth, and just relax. Know that you have a point, and give yourself the acknowledgement you are trying so hard to get from others.

Listen to What’s Wrong With Always Being Right here. The intro to this podcast alone is worth it!

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I use the word “authentic” a lot. With clients, with friends and with myself. I have a tattoo on my left wrist which says “Seek the Truth” which, to me, means seek what is authentic and true. It’s the best relationship advice there is because the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship in your life.

I don’t believe that there’s one, objective truth that we all have to live our lives by. I don’t believe my clients think that either – consciously or unconsciously. But living someone else’s life well is still a life wasted.

You are a one-of-a-kind, a special snowflake, utterly unique. Yes, this is getting a bit squishy….but hang with me.

Relationship Advice Newsflash ahead – You cannot have the life you want, make the decisions you want or be the person you are capable of being until your actions represent an authentic expression of who you really are in the world. Or who you wish to become.

Authenticity requires that you pay attention to Woody Allen’s (and my Dad’s) first rule of enlightenment – SHOW UP!

The first step in dissolving relationship problems is this – You must deliberately and purposefully be present in your life, turn up, be there – not off day dreaming, thinking about the shopping list, planning your next holiday etc.

“Ummm…what do you mean, aren’t I already showing up” – you might be thinking.

I wish I could answer yes but if I could give you a pair of glasses through which you could view the world as I see it, you’d see a whole different picture. If I could show you what I see in my office with clients without violating every ethical code I hold dear, you’d see the internal anguish of women in troubled relationships, responding with a bleak “nothing’s wrong” to an inquiring boyfriend.

In the words of Martin Amis “we are out there on the cutting edge of the uncontroversial.”

Recently a question was posed to me which has really helped dig deep and really interrogate my capacity to show up in my life. And in terms of relationship advice, it’s priceless – what are you pretending not to know?

Let’s look at how a sixty second conversation can startle you into showing up.

After spending some time in therapy doing some deep and personal work on herself, Anna felt more ready than she’d ever been to begin a serious and committed relationship. She had a fun time on the London dating scene. She met Tim, fell in love with him and they got married. He was studying to become a lawyer but part way through he realised he’d got into law for all the wrong reasons – recognition, status, money, the approval of society. He dropped out and got a job in marketing with a huge multi-national corporation. At the time, Anna defended Tim when various people in his life expressed disappointment.

His job posted him abroad and my friend dutifully followed him. After a few years, Tim got bored of bland corporate land and decided he wanted to pursue the bucolic, luscious life of the farmer. So, they moved again onto a small holding type set up.

As the reality of how difficult it is in reality to run a farm, Tim got restless again. Endless days of chores, early starts, the muttering of the long-term country folk who’d seen these city types many times before became too much for him and he longed to return to the urban environment again. He decided he’d like to teach and so went back to uni.

A while later, Anna discovered that Tim had been cutting classes to come back home after she’d gone to work. Tim had derailed professionally again. He was, by this time, understandably embarrassed. He suggested that the best plan was for him to stay home, take care of the house, do the chores etc while Anna continued to work. He discovered he liked being a househusband.

At the time, Anna was the member of a book club – a thinly veiled excuse to drink wine with a good group of girls. About a year into the book club, they were discussing a the topic of the role of women in marriage and relationships as a result of reading Double Fault by Lionel Shriver. Anna gave an impassioned speech about how things were different in this day and age, how women had many more options open to them and, as everyone knew, though she and Tim had reversed the traditional roles, they were very happy. She felt pretty pleased with herself, feeling quite the right-on feminist.

The group was silent after she finished her impromptu speech. And then one of the group leaned forward, refilled Anna’s glass and said “I love you Anna, but you’re full of shit”.

Anna was astonished but she continued, “Your relationship isn’t working for you. I believe you hate the whole arrangement, and you’ve lost respect for Tim. What are you pretending not to know?”

In that instant, and not a moment before, Anna knew she was right.

Up until that moment, Anna had been pushing away the nagging doubts she’d had about the relationship, sweeping them under the rug. Both she and Tim had been directing a lot of energy in NOT talking about emotions that seemed too painful to examine. Talking about their feelings might have forced an outcome for which they weren’t prepared. It took one comment, a flip remark from someone who was paying close attention to the intent beneath Anna’s words, to her body language, to the message which was that she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince anyone else that she was satisfied – to put her back in touch with reality.

Six months later, after many, many impassioned conversations, tears and sou-searching, Anna and Tim realised that while they did love each other, they didn’t love their life together and decided to end their marriage.

To this day Anna wonders how long she might have gone on, pretending not to know how deeply of kilter their marriage was. She is still grateful to her book club buddy who took the risk to deliver a message she badly needed to hear.

So I’m now asking you the same thing – is there something in your life that you’re pretending not to know?

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Right now I’m on holiday. There’s a clever scheduling thing on this blog which means I can write posts ahead of time and post them later. By the time you read this I will have watched the air stewardess do her pointy-pointy thing to highlight the exits and the floor lights, how to put a life vest on and what to do when the cabin pressure drops.

When the cabin pressure drops, they always tell you to attend to yourself first and then your child or a neighbour who needs help. I’ve always listened to that and thought – “No way, dude. I ain’t going out like that. I’m a helper! I’d mask up my neighbour before myself EVERY TIME!”

Well, guess what. I’m stupid.

There. I said it. The reason they ask you to do this is because you can’t help anyone else if you haven’t helped yourself first. They say this in any kind of lifesaving training. I did rescue training at the pool when I was a kid because I was strong swimmer and they didn’t have much else to teach me (when growing up in Hong Kong is a bonus…!).

Again the first thing they tell you is to assess the situation. If there is any danger that you’ll die or get broken in some way in a rescue attempt, they just tell you to flat out not do it and get more help instead.

How does this apply to you?

If you’re not taking care of yourself first, your relationships between you and everyone else in your life will suffer.

The more confident you feel in your own skin, the more confidence will just radiate from you. The more you attend to your emotional needs, the more energy you’ll have in your relationships with others.

I’ve said this elsewhere on the blog but your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have.

There are 5 areas I’d love for you to bring your attention to:

1. Physical Care – Care for yourself physically by exercising on a regular basis, eating healthy foods, and limiting the unhealthy foods. Physical care doesn’t simply mean eat healthy and working-out, it also means taking time for you physically. For example, spend extra attention on your own beauty regime however simple or elaborate it is, more effort on your hair, spritz on some luscious perfume, floss, get more sleep, get a pedicure (you now officially have my permission!).  The more you care for yourself, the more you’ll hold yourself in a confident manner.

2. Mentally – Often you use your brain solely for work and by the end of the day you feel totally brain-dead.  It is vital to take time to decompress and relax your mind.  Feed your mind with something mentally stimulating that gets your mind excited. Read a good book, learn about a new topic, or educate yourself about a topic that you have wanted to learn about.  The more mentally satisfied you are, the more it impacts the way you can relate with others. Click here for a Brain Workout!

3. Emotionally – Take time to emotionally improve your mood.  The more stressed and overwhelmed you are, the harder it is for the people in your life to connect with you.  Your mood can automatically drive a wedge in between you and a significant other.  Take time to decompress your emotions, regulate your mood, and slow down your reactions. Your JOB is to regulate your mood.  If your emotions aren’t regulated, then your partner isn’t able to see that you are safe to connect with.  Calm your nerves, decompress, and let out your steam in a productive manner.

4. Spiritually – Feed your soul with your spirituality….and this doesn’t necessarily mean “religious.”  Find a way to include your spirituality by meditations or connecting with mother-nature.

5. Relationally – Relationships all need nurturing, not just your relationship with your partner, but your relationships with all the significant people in your life.  Nurture your heart by improving your relationships with your children, friends, and family.  Make sure that you have a balance in your relationships, yet setting healthy boundaries.

Check Life Optimizer’s similar take on this post – Five Areas of Your Life You Should Balance To Live the Fullest Life

A big step towards this is learning how to say “No” so that your no actually means no. Check out my video on How To Say No. And Mean It.

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You pretty much can’t pick up a gossip magazine these days without hearing about some celebrity going to (or being court mandated) to go to therapy. More often than not, it’s the result of some bad behaviour that’s got them busted. I am of course thinking about Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

Sometimes it can come across to the casual observer as being pretty narcissistic, you might be thinking to yourself “Seriously…? You’re loaded with a huge mansion in Hollywood, what have you got to be depressed about?” But actually, the candid responses about being in therapy that some celebrities have gone on the record as saying can reveal something more profound. That everyone, no matter who they are or much successful they are can still struggle with what it means to be a person. And the interesting thing is celebrities are usually quite honest, even to the extend of being proud of it, about their therapeutic past. Here’s a mini round-up of what some celebs have said about their experiences of being in therapy -

Actress Eva Mendes: “I’m big on therapy. I’ve always said that I love talking about therapy. Why wait until something goes terrible in your life to start fixing things?”

Courtney Cox has spoken openly about the work she puts into to keeping her marriage going: “We’ve done couples therapy in the past. We’re not lazy about our marriage”

John Stamos, one of the many handsome actors to grace the ER in ER decided to go into therapy to figure out why he was still a bachelor at the age of 46: “I’m taking a hiatus from work to focus on exactly why my romances always crumble.”

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Over this Bank holiday weekend, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how we invest in them. Maybe the word ‘bank’ was what got me thinking in such monetary terms, who knows.

Communication really is the one thing that will make your relationship a better place for both of you, but I’m guessing you knew that already, didn’t you? It’s the type, frequency and quality of how you communicate that will make all the difference. It also allows you to ‘take the temperature’ of the relationship, or sticking with the money metaphor, see how much interest is accruing in the relationship. Here are 5 simple steps to improving the quality and the quantity of your relationship:

1. Appreciations – take the time, daily, to share 5 things you appreciate about your partner. It sounds gushy and ridiculous but if you’re forced (because I’m ordering you to) to tell your partner why and how they matter to you, you’ll stop that feeling of being taken for granted creeping into your relationship. It happens slowly over time, but the moment you realise that’s how you feel, it can lead to feelings of resentment. Stave off those feelings by reminding your partner what’s special about them. Do it regularly.It’s like making small deposits into the love bank, both of you are paying in so it doesn’t feel like one person is withdrawing all the credit while the other person is paying in all the deposits. If saying them to each other feels too weird to contemplate, try writing them down and exchanging them. That way they can be read in private…and also kept to refer back to later. Like a bank statement that’s actually worth reading!

2. Wishes, Hopes, Dreams – share them, regularly. It not only shows that you’re interested in your partner but it’s also an invitation to help your partner achieve those goals. You’ll get to know what’s important to them and because our wishes, hopes and dreams change often you’ll appreciate them as an evolving, growing person not a static 2D cut out.

3. New Information – ever feel like you’re the last know, or maybe your partner does. We often tell friends and family about changes in plans or circumstances and think we’ve also told our partner. Make the daily updates a ritual so that they know about the business trip…the boiler man coming…or that you arranged for Sainsbury’s to deliver on Tuesday evening.

4. Mysteries – Clear-up big or little mysteries before they become sources of jealousy and suspicion. Most mysteries have very simple explanations. Your partner woke up unusually early and crept out of the house? He had a breakfast meeting he forgot to tell you about and didn’t want to wake you. Just ask, don’t let it fester.

5. Complaints with requests for change – This is about getting into the habit of asking for what you do want rather than want you don’t. Describe a specific (that word is key…try not to be vague!) behaviour that’s bothering you and how you’d like it to be different. For instance – instead of yelling ‘I hate it when you’re late!’ say ‘Being on time is important to me, if you’re going to be late, please call me with as much notice as possible to tell me when you’re going to arrive. That way, I’m not left fuming and I can adjust my plans to accommodate the new time”.

Tamarisk is the founder of Two Chairs Counselling in London Bridge. Two Chairs Counselling specialises in working with career-orientated women whose lives look great on paper, but suck in real life.

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