Two Chairs Counselling

OK…I’m going to jump right in and say this straight. The Cinderella story is stupid. Stoooopppppiiiiidddd.

Why? Because if you really want to take control of your life you have to first realise that you don’t have a fairy godmother and she isn’t coming to your rescue. If you want your life to be different, you’re going to have stop watching re-runs of Friends and start doing some things differently.

Many people hold onto the fairy godmother fantasy from childhood, thinking that some magical solution will solve their problems in the future. I’ll get that raise and then I can get out of debt. I’ll find a new boyfriend and finally I’ll be happy. I’ll get headhunted for the new job and everything will be fine.

Nuh-uh. Life doesn’t work this way.

No one is coming to your rescue and, guess what? That’s GOOD news.

When we buy into all these “someday my prince will come” type fantasies we don’t acknowledge that we’re unhappy now and we fall for the scam of external happiness – the idea that something outside of ourselves has to change before we can feel better about being who we are.

The good news is that when you accept that no one is coming to your rescue, you can finally work on rescuing yourself from the stress and unhappiness you’re generating in your own life.

Instead of wishing and hoping for things to improve or change or get better, start focusing your energy on being different and better.

One change I’ve made recently is to stop wishing that some of the trials and tribulations of being a small business owner would just go away, or that my fairy godmother would come along and wave her magic wand.

Have the trials gone away? No. But by adjusting my attitude I’m thinking more creatively about how I tackle these challenges. It’s still hard work but it’s now a lot more fun because I know I have the power to change things and make things happen, I feel active rather than passive and it turns out I like it a whole lot more.

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Boundaries. Useful things those. And man do you know about it when they disappear, right? That friend who calls you all the time no matter what time it is. That ex-boyfriend of yours you’d cook for, clean for, wear raunchy underwear for even when he was home 3 hours late and drunk.

Yeah.

Those boundaries.

Round here, we’re into boundaries. We thing they’re worth having. But the art of saying no without having to pout or stating your needs without steamrolling over others concerns is a delicate affair.

It’s about knowing what you want, and taking responsibility for communicating it effectively. It’s not about everyone having to do what you say because you’re you. It’s also not about you pleasing everyone else and hoping telepathically communicating your needs will somehow work for you. It’s about understanding yourself and being clear with others.

Being clear doesn’t mean dominating — you can have excellent boundaries and still not get what you want. But when you’ve mastered the art of the Low-Drama No, you’re taking a big first step toward communicating well and sticking to your guns.

Here are some tips on how to say NO with grace and without drama:

1. Know Yourself – Think First, Speak Later

This is the first and most important thing you can do. You can’t have a solid sense of yourself if you don’t even know who you are or what you want. If you’re used to following other people’s visions and ideas, it can be hard to even get a sense for what you even WANT — which is only the first step toward getting it.

I talk a lot about starting a Me Manual – and I’m not stopping today! Your Me Manual is the place where you jot down all the things you learn about yourself. Like “I need 8hrs of sleep a night” and “Bollocks to the latest diet fad, I KNOW my body and I know it’s better when I eat carbs at lunch and protein at dinner” and “Going for a walk around my neighbourhood always clears my head”.

Once you start paying close attention to what you need, how you function best and start actively living in that zone, you’ll be clearer about what works for you and what doesn’t.

2. Take responsibility of your own emotional state

If you’re in the mode of being a pleaser, saying “Well, ok” or “I guess that will work,” when you really mean “I’m unhappy but don’t know how to tell you,” on a certain level you’re allowing your emotional state to be controlled by other people.

Too often I see women complain about how they feel forced into doing something, and too often this is a case of someone not knowing when to just say “If I’m going to feel good about this, I need to do it differently.” When you learn to say no, you learn to stop feeling like people are doing things to you, and start feeling like you have the power to control your own life and what happens in it.

3. Know your deal breakers

Whatever’s going on your life, you’re usually surrounded by friends and family in varying states of trying to help. You have to be communicative, and let people know when you feel like they’ve acted inappropriately or disrespected you. However, this doesn’t need to be a big stomping freakout or a full on sulk-a-thon.

You can always trust Oprah to have more information on boundary setting!

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Ever been at a party where you don’t know that many people? Maybe you’re at your boyfriend’s Christmas work drinks and you’ve never met any of his colleagues. Maybe you’ve only been in your new job a couple of weeks before the Christmas bash.

It can be tricky to feel calm, relaxed and centred when you’re with a bunch of folks you know and feel safe around.

And when you feel like THAT…it can be just seconds before you’re up in your head thinking really, really helpful things like “She thinks I’m fat…they think I’m boring…he doesn’t think I’m funny….she thinks this dress is frumpy.”

Fun right? Glad you gave up your evening to come to this shindig, yes?

Well, with the holiday/party season just about to get into to full swing, I thought you’d love a quick to tip to come down from that unhappy place. Check out the video I made for you below:

And Then What Happens?

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Today is Thanksgiving in the US. We don’t celebrate anything like that here in the UK but none the less I would like to give thanks for the things I am grateful for, not least because practicing an attitude of gratitude is scientifically proven to make you feel happier.

I’m thankful to have my boyfriend in my life.

I’m thankful for my family.

I’m thankful that all of the people mentioned above are healthy and well.

I’m thankful that I’m also healthy and well, with no illness or pain.

I’m thankful for my friends “out in the real world.”

I’m thankful for all of my newer online friends, and to have discovered that “online friendship” is a real thing.

I’m thankful for all of my readers.

I’m thankful for the people who signed up for my newsletter.

I’m thankful for the flat I live in.

Despite the fact it’s cold and gets dark at 4pm (maybe even 3pm) I am thankful that I live in London. There are far, far, far worse places to live.

I’m thankful for my stuff. I have too much stuff I’m sure, but I am thankful for every thingie, doo-dah, and wotsit.

I’m thankful for the internet.

I’m thankful for books.

I’m thankful for every opportunity I’ve had and continue to have.

I’m thankful to everyone who has ever given me positive feedback or a word of appreciation.

I’m thankful for the mentors and role models I’ve had throughout my life.

I’m thankful to my mum who modeled what it is to be a *really* good person in this world.

I’m thankful to my dad, who modeled what it is to be a generous, caring man in this world. It’s thanks to him that I have a generous, caring man of my own.

I’m thankful for my ambition, tenacity, and will.

I’m thankful that I believe that everything is unfolding perfectly.

I’m thankful that everyone I know and love can eat, is healthy, and has a roof over their heads.

I’m thankful for everyone I’ve encountered on Facebook, Twitter, mastermind, mentoring and networking groups. You’ve collectively encouraged, supported and guided me.

I’m thankful for my commitment to my personal, ongoing evolution.

I’m thankful that I think the status quo should be challenged.

I’m thankful for the balls to to challenge it.

I’m thankful for my clients who week upon week show up in my office to courageously and bravely face themselves. By figuring out their shit, they make the whole world a better place.

I’m thankful for every single person who has ever bought something from me or worked with me.

I’m thankful for every single person who has read something I’ve written.

I’m thankful every time that someone tells me that something I’ve done has helped them in some way.

I’m thankful that many of you seem to find value in what I do.

I’m thankful to be able to do what I love with every day of my life.

I’m thankful to be able to say what’s on my mind.

I’m thankful for my freedom.

I’m thankful to be able to create solutions to problems.

I’m thankful to have the ridiculous, audacious belief that I can to it my way.

I’m thankful that I’ve learned that how I feel is a choice.

And I’m thankful for everything out there that I have, but have forgotten to mention explicitly.

***

What are you thankful for? Post it in the comments below.

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You got passed over, again. You were ignored, again. Someone took from you what wasn’t theirs to take. A barefaced lie. Boundaries fully crossed.

You’re pissed. You’re mad. You’re angry.

Anger comes up a lot. It’s on the news pretty much every day. People lashing out in anger and doing crazy things once the “red mist” has descended.

The spiritual responses to anger look like this:

• It’s meant to be this way
• She was doing the best she could at the time
• He had a tough childhood, it’s not all his fault
• I create my reality
• That was an “ego” response

But anger is a healthy response. Dammit, anger is one hell of a step up from passively accepting and absorbing abuse from someone else.

And yes, you are responsible for creating your reality. Yes, your ego can get in the way. Yes, you attract the crap and the wonder that constitutes your life. But you are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

Danielle LaPort puts it this way: Making excuses for other people’s poor conduct can be a very handy way to avoid confrontation and invalidate our own pain. We make them look good to dignify our hurt.

But I believe there’s something else going on here. Something underneath the angry response.

A primary emotion is one, like pleasure or fear, that comes directly from the limbic system in our brain, the design of which is to keep the individual safe and therefore the species alive. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (famous for coming up with the 5 stages of grief) said that anger is secondary to something else, usually fear.

I’ve thought about times when I’ve been really, really angry. Everything from angry at the news to angry at family members or loved ones. As I meditated on my anger, it became clear to me that underneath each angry outburst I realised I was afraid.

Afraid of having the love revoked. Afraid of being confronted with my weaknesses. Afraid of failing. Afraid of feeling “bad” feelings.

Knowing that fear can mascaquerade as anger has helped me be more compassionate when others become angry.

I used to date “Angry Man”. Things didn’t last between us, but once we parted I realised the lesson he unwittingly taught me. He was afraid. Afraid of feeling embarrassed, afraid of feeling ashamed, afraid of feeling foolish and stupid. I was just a handy target. No need for me to get angry back.

When I work with clients and anger comes up I now ask them to refelct on what are they afraid of. It doesn’t take long for them to get to their fear of abandonment, of loss of love. With understanding the hope of compassion is allowed to follow and we can take action.

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A quick flick through a glossy magazine.

Eavesdropping, shamelessly, on conversations between two girlfriends at a coffee shop.

Conversations over a glass of wine with my friends.

These are all the sorts of places to collect the national wisdom that’s being dispensed about relationships.  Stuff like – “opposites attract” “it’s totally OK to go through his text messages if you’re suspicious” “he should be doing/saying abc and he shouldn’t be doing/saying xyz”.

However, as a relationship expert, I know that the majority of the advice I hear is not supported by scientific findings.

So I began to wonder: how much of what people know about relationships is repeated as fact but is more like fiction?

We have learned about relationships from movies, TV and magazines, family and friends. And, of course, we’ve learned a thing or two about love firsthand. But without realizing it, we tend to cling to strong opinions about love and marriage based on misconceptions and myths. These misconceptions and myths can sabotage our relationships by creating unrealistic expectations that are bound to lead to frustration, anger, and sadness.

Therapist and researcher Dr Terri Orbuch highlights the single most important trait that happy couples in her 20 year long study share: they have learned how to have realistic expectations of their relationships and partner.

Right…yes. Realistic expectations. “I’ve got those Tamarisk” you might be thinking to yourself. “I know he’s 5″9 and it’s unrealistic to expect him to suddenly grow to be the 6″3 giant I wish he was. I’m over it. What else have you got to say for yourself?”

Well, a lot actually. What I’m talking about here is some of the most common relationship myths that often contribute to unrealistic expectations.

1) Myth: Opposites attract and are more likely to stay interesting to one another over the long haul.

Fact: Total crap. AND, it also depends on what you mean by opposites. Research has shown that similarities are what actually keep people together for the long term and lead to the most successful, happy relationships. Happy couples might have very different tastes in music, different social backgrounds etc but the key aspect they shared was similar basic life values. This is the similarity that counts.

The take-away: If you want to find someone to grow old with, look for someone who has values that are compatible with yours.

2) Myth: A perfect relationship means no conflict.

Fact: A lack of conflict in a relationship signals that you may not be dealing with issues that really matter. In a surprising finding from Dr Terri Orbuch’s long-term study of marriage, the couples who reported no tensions or differences about money, family, spouse’s family, leisure time, religious beliefs, or children were not very happy over time.

The take away: Don’t shy away from difficult conversations. Learning how to disagree in a healthy, productive manner is a key component of happy relationships.

3) Myth: Having separate lives keeps couples together long term.

Fact: Interdependence — social, emotional, and financial — is what creates the incentive for couples to stay together. It’s also important to be independent, to have your own interests, activities, and friends. This adds excitement and freshness to relationships. But couples who live parallel lives and don’t invite their spouse into their world on a regular basis tend to grow apart and be unhappy over the long term.

The take-away: Couples who work on acquiring common interests as the years go by are much happier than those in which each partner gets increasingly involved in a separate set of activities.

4) Myth: To be happy, you need to talk about relationship challenges and problems often.

Fact: In order for intimacy to occur in a relationship, both of you need to share and disclose concerns from time to time. But be careful about how much time you spend on conscious relationship maintenance, because men and women have very different tolerances for “relationship talk.” Women, as a rule, have a positive association with relationship talk; it makes them feel connected and happy. Men, on the other hand, do not enjoy relationship talk; it makes them feel blamed, worried, and distressed.

The take-away: Women, carefully pick those moments when you feel it’s necessary to talk about your relationship feelings. Men, realize that her need to clarify and check in feels reassuring to her, even if it doesn’t to you.

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(This post is stolen wholesale from Naomi Dunford at IttyBiz. She helps and advises small business owners with their marketing. You might be thinking “What the hell has that got to do with this website/blog?”. And that’s an excellent question. However, I read this post and I just loved it and I thought you might too. So here it is)

When I was a kid, I didn’t read until I was nearly eight. I could read words individually, I guess, but once you put them into a sentence I was lost. My Dad wasn’t too worried about it — he was more concerned that I learn to type and write. He wanted me to pick up the rhythm and cadence and timbre of language, figuring that the words themselves were fairly unimportant when it came right down to it.

Starting when I was about five, every afternoon when I got home from school, my Dad would give me the New York Times and have me pick an article. Since I couldn’t read it, I picked based on pictures. Then I would go into my little office (yes, I had an office, because I am just that cool) and type as much of it as I could for half an hour. Then I’d spend half an hour handwriting from where the typing left off.

When there were words I wanted to understand, I crossed the hall and I asked him what they meant. I was usually more interested in the etymology of words and my father, a consummate Renaissance man, could probably hack together an answer on any question I had. (My father, the highly opinionated precursor to Google.)

When we moved to England when I was seven, my first year there I went to a swanky private school. Our class had sixteen students and the most beautiful, amazing lady in the world was our teacher. She was about 22, I’d guess, a gorgeous English Rose. At the start of the year she gave us all these tiny notebooks for spelling. If we were doing our writing and didn’t know how to spell a word, we could go to her privately and she would write it at the top of one of the pages. Then we could practice writing it as much as we wanted until we were sure we understood it before moving on to the rest of our schoolwork.

I remember asking her one day to tell me how to spell “anyways”. She explained that if I thought about it, I could probably work it out based on how I spelled “anyway”. Until that point, I had no idea that “anyways” and “anyway” were related. It had never even crossed my mind. I don’t think I had any idea any words were related like that. It just never occurred to me. I needed a teacher to show me.

So that year, I learned to read. And the rest is history, God help us.

Now there’s no teacher.

You and I have no idea what we’re doing. We think we’re doing the right thing and then something happens and we go… what the hell just happened? We read the blogs or the books or the transcripts and we go, “God, can’t someone just help me? Help ME?”

We want someone to hold our hand. We want someone to sit beside us during the scary bits. We want someone to gently put a hand on our cheek and say, “It’s going to be okay. I promise. I’ll take care of it.”

We want someone to lead us and guide us and teach us and help us. We want our Dad or our favourite teacher or a handsome prince or fairy godmother to waltz in and handle it.

It’s OK to mourn that.

Sometimes you take the fucking ring to Mordor no matter what. Sometimes you put your head in your hands and weep because you don’t have a Sam.

It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to want to be rescued. It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to want things that you feel you can’t have.

And it’s OK to keep searching. To be manic in the quest for those things you can’t have. It’s okay to grasp and claw and tear the world apart in what you feel is a futile pursuit to find someone who can be that person for you.

Just do what you need to do. Just get through the day. It’s okay.

Naomi is cool. Here’s a link back to her sweary, drunk ramblings – www.ittybiz.com

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Stop waiting to feel happy

Stop waiting to feel confident

Stop waiting for permission

Stop waiting until it’s the “right time”

Stop waiting until your intuition is screaming so loud it’s keeping you up at night

Stop waiting to decide what you want

Stop waiting to feel better

Stop waiting to get clear

Stop waiting until you “feel ready”

Stop waiting. Take action.

The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. Richard Branson said that.

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(I found this article written by Robert Holden. I’ve paraphrased it and added my touches to it, because I think it’s such a powerful topic that I see crop up all the time. Thanks to Robert for writing it in the first place!)

There are two types of sacrifice: unhealthy sacrifice and healthy sacrifice. Both in my work and out there in the world, I’ve seen people try to use unhealthy sacrifice to save a relationship.

It appears to work at first, but love and dishonesty are not good bedfellows. I have seen lovers try to play small in a relationship so as to heal power struggles and avoid rejection. Even my partner, who’s a child psychotherapist (yes, we’re great dinner guests, as you can imagine!) has seen children get ill in an attempt to heal their parents’ relationship.

Unhealthy sacrifice is often well-intentioned, but it never really works.

Healthy sacrifice is a different story. To be happy in a relationship, for instance, you have to be willing to sacrifice fear for love, independence for intimacy, defenses for joy and resentment for forgiveness. To be successful at work, you have to be willing to sacrifice being in control to allow for innovation and sacrifice chronic busyness for genuine success, for instance. Healthy sacrifice helps you to let go of what does not really work in order to embrace what does work.

So, how much unhealthy sacrifice are you in right now? Sometimes the habit of unhealthy sacrifice is so unconscious we are the last to recognize it in ourselves. Would you be willing to sacrifice unhealthy sacrifice so as to shift your life and experience greater joy, love and abundance?

Unhealthy sacrifice is often perpetuated by an erroneous fear that your happiness is selfish. If you believe this fear, then too much happiness will feel wrong, bad, illegal, blasphemous and harmful to others. Is this really true? Here’s what I believe: You can’t get depressed enough to make somebody happy; you can’t get ill enough to make someone else well; you can’t get poor enough to make somebody rich; and you can’t betray your heart to save someone else. (I agree with whole heartedly with Robert on that. How beautifully put, right?)

Let’s use a fictional example of how this might show up for someone. Imagine Juliet. Juliet has met someone she’s crazy about. They’ve got through the first flush of love. They are deep into the commitment zone. She’s in love, she’s happy and she’s feeling as guilty as hell.

When Juliet was little her dad walked out on her and her mum. She never knew him and her mum never said why he left. Juliet’s mum never got into another relationship and poured herself into role as a mother.

Juliet and her mum formed an amazingly strong bond to get through this. Right now, she has something her mother didn’t have and still doesn’t have. A committed, loving relationship and she’s terrified that somehow her happiness will tear things apart in her relationship with her mum.

See how this can show up? Robert Holden suggests these two exercises to move through this type of unhealthy sacrifice, I invite you to try them out:

Letting Go Exercise One: To help you let go of the belief that sacrificing your happiness makes everyone else happier, make a list of all the people who are truly grateful for your self-sacrifice. This list should take you two seconds to complete! Next, consider this affirmation: “My happiness is my gift to others.” Think about how this might be true for you. Reflect on how your happiness can help you to love others more. Letting go of the fear that your happiness is selfish creates new possibilities of growth and joy for everyone.

Letting Go Exercise Two: Take a look at your family. Identify the roles everyone played when you were growing up, including you. Notice if you still play these roles in romance, with friends, in work and on your spiritual journey. Notice what this costs you. Playing a role leaves you feeling like a cardboard cutout of your real self. You feel flat and lifeless. You try to be positive, but really you feel removed, unappreciated and resentful. Remember this: Roles are self-appointed. No one said you must take on this role. If you are in a role, there must be a better way. It’s time to make a new choice.

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Mothers! Can you BELIEVE I’ve come this far on the blog without writing a post about mothers! We therapists have something of a reputation for banging out about mothers.

Well, that day is finally here. Today, I’m going to be sharing with you how your relationship with your mother effects your relationship. I touched on how your relationship with your dad effects your relationship and your relationship with your mother…and perhaps more importantly the type of mother she is, is probably even more important.

There are, roughly, six broad types of mothering that can cause sticking points for you in your present relationship, so let’s dive and take a look:

• The Martyr Mother

Whatever the reason for the sacrifice, Martyr Mothers won’t let you forget it. Guilt is used as a powerful weapon. Chances are you ended up feeling responsible, or even to blame, for this. You probably jump quickly into the role of peacemaker.

How is this impacting you today? Your experiences of close relationships have been draining and claustrophobic. It’s not surprising that you are wary of being trapped and find commitment difficult. You either have a tough, independent streak that stops people from getting too close and it’s likely that you’ve had a series of short lived relationships that never really got off the ground.

• The Critical Mother

Wanting the best for their children and wanting them to succeed is natural but it can be a fine line between this…and criticism. If your mother’s style seems similar to this, it’s possible that you’ll feel you can never truly please her.

How is this impacting you today? You either keep finding fault with your man, dumping him and hoping that the next one will be perfect. Or, it’s possible that you have become hyper-sensitive to anything that sounds remotely critical, flying off the handle at the slightest thing. Anyone ever told you you’re high-maintenance? This might be what’s happening for you.

• The Perfect Mother

For this mum, “good” is never enough. They have to be super-mum. She holds down a demanding job, runs the house, bakes, is on the PTA and helps out behind the scenes at the school play.

How is this effecting you today? What your mum showed you was what was possible, chances are you’re pretty super yourself…which is a good thing! However, it can leave you attracting the sort of men who you believe need their problems sorting out. Although flattering, this can leave you feeling like you’re in a relationship with a man-boy. Not a great foundation for a successful long-term relationship. It’s possible you behave like everyone’s mother and if that’s you, it’s time to step back and let the people in your life take responsibility for themselves.

• The Controlling Mother

This is another example of how great mothering can tip over into treacherous territory. It’s a little leap from looking out for your kids and smothering; these “take-over” mothers can struggle to see the difference. Maybe she was always ready to fight your battles at school, or “have a talk” with the mother of another child.

How is this effecting you now? Apart from your mum probably having strong opinions about your choice of man, it’s likely that your biggest fear is being swallowed up and losing control. You’ll find yourself being drawn to people who are unavailable in some way – maybe they live on the other side of the country…or the world. Married or committed men or men who are wedded to their work.

• The Secrets Mother

If there’s a family secret to keep hidden, it’s possible your mum expended a lot of energy keeping up appearances. Maybe a drinking problem…family debts…a philandering husband. The issue is kept hidden from the children as much as possible. Whatever it is, there’s the knowledge that “we’re different”.

How is effecting your relationship now? For you, the risk is that you’re fearful of getting hurt and in order to defend yourself against this, you’ll keep men at arms length. You can also feel responsible for managing everyone’s behaviour. And this is not only impossible but sets you up for getting stuck in a cycle of low-self esteem.

• The Racy Mother

Ever seen a mum trying to compete with her daughter? This is what I’m talking about here. Recently, I watched a show about glamour model Alicia Duvall and her daughter. Revelations of Alicia’s secret sexual trysts with a married footballer were splashed all over the tabloids…and scattered all over their home for her daughter to see. Needless to say, my jaw dropped.

How is this type of mother effecting your relationship now? If your mother was in competition with you, or even setting herself up as your love rival, it’s likely you’re at one of two extremes. Either you have thrown yourself into relationships and committed too quickly, often to unsuitable men. Or you frequently hold back to the point that men imagine you to be icy cold.

And you know what? If any of these have resonated with you, it’s OK. You’re in excellent company. No one taught your mother how to do it better, so blame and resentment is not the way forward. Although it feels natural. Truly, forgiveness is the key to moving forward with your relationships in the present.

If any of these has resonated with you, and you’d like to talk to me a bit further about how to move past the effects in your present, call me today to set up a complimentary 30min chat, I’m on 07854 687 568.

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