Anger And What’s Really Going On

You got passed over, again. You were ignored, again. Someone took from you what wasn’t theirs to take. A barefaced lie. Boundaries fully crossed.

You’re pissed. You’re mad. You’re angry.

Anger comes up a lot. It’s on the news pretty much every day. People lashing out in anger and doing crazy things once the “red mist” has descended.

The spiritual responses to anger look like this:

• It’s meant to be this way
• She was doing the best she could at the time
• He had a tough childhood, it’s not all his fault
• I create my reality
• That was an “ego” response

But anger is a healthy response. Dammit, anger is one hell of a step up from passively accepting and absorbing abuse from someone else.

And yes, you are responsible for creating your reality. Yes, your ego can get in the way. Yes, you attract the crap and the wonder that constitutes your life. But you are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

Danielle LaPort puts it this way: Making excuses for other people’s poor conduct can be a very handy way to avoid confrontation and invalidate our own pain. We make them look good to dignify our hurt.

But I believe there’s something else going on here. Something underneath the angry response.

A primary emotion is one, like pleasure or fear, that comes directly from the limbic system in our brain, the design of which is to keep the individual safe and therefore the species alive. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (famous for coming up with the 5 stages of grief) said that anger is secondary to something else, usually fear.

I’ve thought about times when I’ve been really, really angry. Everything from angry at the news to angry at family members or loved ones. As I meditated on my anger, it became clear to me that underneath each angry outburst I realised I was afraid.

Afraid of having the love revoked. Afraid of being confronted with my weaknesses. Afraid of failing. Afraid of feeling “bad” feelings.

Knowing that fear can mascaquerade as anger has helped me be more compassionate when others become angry.

I used to date “Angry Man”. Things didn’t last between us, but once we parted I realised the lesson he unwittingly taught me. He was afraid. Afraid of feeling embarrassed, afraid of feeling ashamed, afraid of feeling foolish and stupid. I was just a handy target. No need for me to get angry back.

When I work with clients and anger comes up I now ask them to refelct on what are they afraid of. It doesn’t take long for them to get to their fear of abandonment, of loss of love. With understanding the hope of compassion is allowed to follow and we can take action.

Share on Facebook