Two Chairs Counselling

OK…I’m going to jump right in and say this straight. The Cinderella story is stupid. Stoooopppppiiiiidddd.

Why? Because if you really want to take control of your life you have to first realise that you don’t have a fairy godmother and she isn’t coming to your rescue. If you want your life to be different, you’re going to have stop watching re-runs of Friends and start doing some things differently.

Many people hold onto the fairy godmother fantasy from childhood, thinking that some magical solution will solve their problems in the future. I’ll get that raise and then I can get out of debt. I’ll find a new boyfriend and finally I’ll be happy. I’ll get headhunted for the new job and everything will be fine.

Nuh-uh. Life doesn’t work this way.

No one is coming to your rescue and, guess what? That’s GOOD news.

When we buy into all these “someday my prince will come” type fantasies we don’t acknowledge that we’re unhappy now and we fall for the scam of external happiness – the idea that something outside of ourselves has to change before we can feel better about being who we are.

The good news is that when you accept that no one is coming to your rescue, you can finally work on rescuing yourself from the stress and unhappiness you’re generating in your own life.

Instead of wishing and hoping for things to improve or change or get better, start focusing your energy on being different and better.

One change I’ve made recently is to stop wishing that some of the trials and tribulations of being a small business owner would just go away, or that my fairy godmother would come along and wave her magic wand.

Have the trials gone away? No. But by adjusting my attitude I’m thinking more creatively about how I tackle these challenges. It’s still hard work but it’s now a lot more fun because I know I have the power to change things and make things happen, I feel active rather than passive and it turns out I like it a whole lot more.

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Boundaries. Useful things those. And man do you know about it when they disappear, right? That friend who calls you all the time no matter what time it is. That ex-boyfriend of yours you’d cook for, clean for, wear raunchy underwear for even when he was home 3 hours late and drunk.

Yeah.

Those boundaries.

Round here, we’re into boundaries. We thing they’re worth having. But the art of saying no without having to pout or stating your needs without steamrolling over others concerns is a delicate affair.

It’s about knowing what you want, and taking responsibility for communicating it effectively. It’s not about everyone having to do what you say because you’re you. It’s also not about you pleasing everyone else and hoping telepathically communicating your needs will somehow work for you. It’s about understanding yourself and being clear with others.

Being clear doesn’t mean dominating — you can have excellent boundaries and still not get what you want. But when you’ve mastered the art of the Low-Drama No, you’re taking a big first step toward communicating well and sticking to your guns.

Here are some tips on how to say NO with grace and without drama:

1. Know Yourself – Think First, Speak Later

This is the first and most important thing you can do. You can’t have a solid sense of yourself if you don’t even know who you are or what you want. If you’re used to following other people’s visions and ideas, it can be hard to even get a sense for what you even WANT — which is only the first step toward getting it.

I talk a lot about starting a Me Manual – and I’m not stopping today! Your Me Manual is the place where you jot down all the things you learn about yourself. Like “I need 8hrs of sleep a night” and “Bollocks to the latest diet fad, I KNOW my body and I know it’s better when I eat carbs at lunch and protein at dinner” and “Going for a walk around my neighbourhood always clears my head”.

Once you start paying close attention to what you need, how you function best and start actively living in that zone, you’ll be clearer about what works for you and what doesn’t.

2. Take responsibility of your own emotional state

If you’re in the mode of being a pleaser, saying “Well, ok” or “I guess that will work,” when you really mean “I’m unhappy but don’t know how to tell you,” on a certain level you’re allowing your emotional state to be controlled by other people.

Too often I see women complain about how they feel forced into doing something, and too often this is a case of someone not knowing when to just say “If I’m going to feel good about this, I need to do it differently.” When you learn to say no, you learn to stop feeling like people are doing things to you, and start feeling like you have the power to control your own life and what happens in it.

3. Know your deal breakers

Whatever’s going on your life, you’re usually surrounded by friends and family in varying states of trying to help. You have to be communicative, and let people know when you feel like they’ve acted inappropriately or disrespected you. However, this doesn’t need to be a big stomping freakout or a full on sulk-a-thon.

You can always trust Oprah to have more information on boundary setting!

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