Two Chairs Counselling

Mothers! Can you BELIEVE I’ve come this far on the blog without writing a post about mothers! We therapists have something of a reputation for banging out about mothers.

Well, that day is finally here. Today, I’m going to be sharing with you how your relationship with your mother effects your relationship. I touched on how your relationship with your dad effects your relationship and your relationship with your mother…and perhaps more importantly the type of mother she is, is probably even more important.

There are, roughly, six broad types of mothering that can cause sticking points for you in your present relationship, so let’s dive and take a look:

• The Martyr Mother

Whatever the reason for the sacrifice, Martyr Mothers won’t let you forget it. Guilt is used as a powerful weapon. Chances are you ended up feeling responsible, or even to blame, for this. You probably jump quickly into the role of peacemaker.

How is this impacting you today? Your experiences of close relationships have been draining and claustrophobic. It’s not surprising that you are wary of being trapped and find commitment difficult. You either have a tough, independent streak that stops people from getting too close and it’s likely that you’ve had a series of short lived relationships that never really got off the ground.

• The Critical Mother

Wanting the best for their children and wanting them to succeed is natural but it can be a fine line between this…and criticism. If your mother’s style seems similar to this, it’s possible that you’ll feel you can never truly please her.

How is this impacting you today? You either keep finding fault with your man, dumping him and hoping that the next one will be perfect. Or, it’s possible that you have become hyper-sensitive to anything that sounds remotely critical, flying off the handle at the slightest thing. Anyone ever told you you’re high-maintenance? This might be what’s happening for you.

• The Perfect Mother

For this mum, “good” is never enough. They have to be super-mum. She holds down a demanding job, runs the house, bakes, is on the PTA and helps out behind the scenes at the school play.

How is this effecting you today? What your mum showed you was what was possible, chances are you’re pretty super yourself…which is a good thing! However, it can leave you attracting the sort of men who you believe need their problems sorting out. Although flattering, this can leave you feeling like you’re in a relationship with a man-boy. Not a great foundation for a successful long-term relationship. It’s possible you behave like everyone’s mother and if that’s you, it’s time to step back and let the people in your life take responsibility for themselves.

• The Controlling Mother

This is another example of how great mothering can tip over into treacherous territory. It’s a little leap from looking out for your kids and smothering; these “take-over” mothers can struggle to see the difference. Maybe she was always ready to fight your battles at school, or “have a talk” with the mother of another child.

How is this effecting you now? Apart from your mum probably having strong opinions about your choice of man, it’s likely that your biggest fear is being swallowed up and losing control. You’ll find yourself being drawn to people who are unavailable in some way – maybe they live on the other side of the country…or the world. Married or committed men or men who are wedded to their work.

• The Secrets Mother

If there’s a family secret to keep hidden, it’s possible your mum expended a lot of energy keeping up appearances. Maybe a drinking problem…family debts…a philandering husband. The issue is kept hidden from the children as much as possible. Whatever it is, there’s the knowledge that “we’re different”.

How is effecting your relationship now? For you, the risk is that you’re fearful of getting hurt and in order to defend yourself against this, you’ll keep men at arms length. You can also feel responsible for managing everyone’s behaviour. And this is not only impossible but sets you up for getting stuck in a cycle of low-self esteem.

• The Racy Mother

Ever seen a mum trying to compete with her daughter? This is what I’m talking about here. Recently, I watched a show about glamour model Alicia Duvall and her daughter. Revelations of Alicia’s secret sexual trysts with a married footballer were splashed all over the tabloids…and scattered all over their home for her daughter to see. Needless to say, my jaw dropped.

How is this type of mother effecting your relationship now? If your mother was in competition with you, or even setting herself up as your love rival, it’s likely you’re at one of two extremes. Either you have thrown yourself into relationships and committed too quickly, often to unsuitable men. Or you frequently hold back to the point that men imagine you to be icy cold.

And you know what? If any of these have resonated with you, it’s OK. You’re in excellent company. No one taught your mother how to do it better, so blame and resentment is not the way forward. Although it feels natural. Truly, forgiveness is the key to moving forward with your relationships in the present.

If any of these has resonated with you, and you’d like to talk to me a bit further about how to move past the effects in your present, call me today to set up a complimentary 30min chat, I’m on 07854 687 568.

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Right girls, do you remember when you were little and were read sweet bedtime stories about how one day prince charming would rock up and whisk you away to live happily ever after?

It seems perfectly reasonable. The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty…it’s all the same story. But here we are, we’re 28, 29, 30…35. And we’re still waiting.

What gives?

We’re still thinking that any day now that perfect guy will come knocking on our door. If you’re thinking, “yes!”, then you need to wake up because you’re stuck in the Fairy-Tale trap. AKA – you’ve got a touch of the Cinderella Complex, as Collette Dowling calls it.

In this trap, you actually believe that the perfect man will seek you out, find you, and make everything right. He does all the work, all you have to do is just wait. And wait. And wait….

BUT – I don’t want you to beat yourself up for falling into this trap, because you know what? You’re in good company. You’re not alone and it’s no wonder.

Just think of the number of movies where there’s a man, the hero, saving a woman, the damsel in distress. The End.

What kind of reality is that? I want to know what happens AFTER he rescues her. What about when he strolls in late at night after drinking with the boys? Or when money gets tight and there’s a baby on the way? Or when she ends up falling in love with her new boss? That is reality.

Over the summer, I went to see a performance of Into The Woods, a mash up of all the fairy tales we’re familiar with, complete with the aftermath you don’t usually see. After Rapunzel gets rescued, her feckless prince realises he just likes the challenge of rescuing damsels, leaving Rapunzel with a baby and a alcohol problem.

Cinders finds her prince a bit of a drip and misses the freedom of her old life. The drain of public life in the kingdom gets her down…her prince is always busy with some official business.

And, Hollywood’s not the only guilty player out there. It blows my mind just how many songs can be written about a woman not being able to breathe without a man by her side. Translation: I cannot live until I find that perfect man who will fix all of my problems, then my life will be complete. Seriously? Yes, seriously.

It reminds me of that famous line from Jerry Maguire where the actress Rene Zwelleger utters the immortal words….”You complete me”.

This is the message women have been hearing ever since we started playing dress-up and singing along to all those awful love songs. We were doomed from the beginning to fall into this trap, a trap where we’re told we aren’t complete until we have a man in our lives but that doesn’t mean we have to stay in it.

Are you ready to leave this fairy-tale trap behind and enter reality? Good, because if your life is just on hold until your prince rides into town, he’ll carry on riding right past you. Why? Because no one is looking for someone who’s twiddling their thumbs, waiting for a man to turn up before they really start living their life.

First things first, get off your behind and out the door. Then …

1. Do what you enjoy. Join social groups such as Meetup.com, which is a great website that offers any type of activity you can think of in your area. And if there’s not one, start a group yourself! Build it and they will come.

2. Increase your social network. Make new friends and let them know what type of person you’re looking for.

3. Mix up your routine. Do you go to Starbucks on Thursday mornings and find it pretty empty? How about going in the evening instead?

4. Live YOUR life. Figure out what your values are, what you want your life to be about and start living it your way, just for you. It’s irresistible, I promise.

I think you get the picture. I can guarantee you that Mr. Right isn’t going to find you while you’re glued to your TV with your hand inside a family sized bag of Dorritos. You need to get out of the house and start making your life your own.

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Right now, I am in the middle of teaching a class on how to create better relationships by learning to turn conflict into communication. A big part of that is figuring out the lessons you got taught about how to handle conflict right from the very beginning – from your parents.

You watched how your parents negotiated, argued, avoided confrontation, tackled it head on…and it became your blueprint for relationships and how to handle conflict.

But, it’s not just the relationship between your parents that has shaped your personality, it’s also (and more importantly) your relationship with both your mother and father that has shaped you.

Let’s look at our Dads first. The relationship we have with our dads is really significant for us daughters because he is, literally, the first man in our lives. There are 6 broad types of “Dad” and while most will use a couple of parenting styles, they’ll have a core style. Let’s take a look:

• The Doting Dad

This sounds ideal, right? Surely everyone wants a relationship with their dad where he does on us. And, there’s no arguing that you’ll grow up with a good deal more self-confidence if you’re adored by dad. But there is a point where this doting relationship turns into being spoiled.

How is this impacting you today? It’s hard to truly grow up if your doting dad is always ready to ride to your rescue. It’s also possible, in fact, highly likely that you’ll have something of a fairy tale fantasy when it comes to men – expecting to be treated like a princess, or perhaps your life is hold while you wait to be rescued by prince charming.

The thing is, if you behave like a child, your boyfriend will automatically slot into the parent role. Not sexy. So if you know that you resort to child-like ways of responding in your relationship; sulking, throwing tantrums or nagging then stop. Ask yourself – what would an adult do?

• The Dangerous Dad

This is the opposite to the doting dad. This dad is still quite child-like himself. They might seem glamorous and exciting but they often have a darker side: serial philandering, several ex-wives, maybe a hidden love child. Others are dangerous because of drinking – they’ll have a Jackal and Hide style to their personalities. One thing is for sure, they are great at creating drama.

This dad may be great at being the centre of attention – at family gatherings, when your mates come round and it’s possible that this is fueled by too much booze.

How is this impacting your relationships today? Do you have a pattern of dating unpredictable men…? Do you love, love, love the challenge of the bad boy? Going after these guys undermines your confidence in your judgment. It’s got you frightened to make a commitment because experience has taught you that relationships are dangerous.

• The Dictatorial Dad

This dad is the head of the household. He’s strict and quite the taskmaster. Work comes before play and bedtimes, chores and homework can easily become hot button issues. It’s not surprising that children of dictatorial dads grow up to be rebels. A strict dad wants the best for his children, but this form of tough love can come across as being deeply critical.

How is this impacting your relationships today? The long term effect tends to be that your relationships are charaterised by power struggles. Perhaps you’re a perfectionist yourself and so no one meets those high-standards. Alternatively, you’re frightened of being controlled in your relationship so you keep people at arm’s length.

Next time you’re faced with a decision ask yourself these 3 questions – First, what would my dad want me to do? Second, what would I do if I was rebelling (because just doing the opposite is not freedom either). Finally, ask yourself what you really want to do.

• The Distant Dad

This dad might be emotionally distant, physically distant or both. Maybe he was around but always in the shed, out gardening, behind the newspaper, in his study. Maybe business kept him away from home for long stretches of time. Either way, this dad kept his emotions to himself and seems like an enigma to his children.

How is this impacting your relationships today? Daughters of distant dads are often drawn to men who either find it hard to commit or to men who keep their feelings to themselves. Although as an adult you might understand why your dad was distant, as a child it will have felt deeply personal, and this can leave you worried that nobody will ever truly love you.

• The Destructive Dad

At the most extreme end of the spectrum, these dads might have outright abandoned their children. In the middle of the spectrum, they are not aware of how their comments can come across as thoughtless and damaging to your self-esteem.Off the cuff remarks about eating dessert, for instance.

I remember my dad jokingly called me a “blonde bimbo” on one occasion when I was 14 – a tender age for self-confidence and self-esteem. I was furious. I began pushing myself to read literature that I found completely impenetrable just to prove a point! But if your dad regularly made bumbling remarks like these, it can be crushing.

What’s the relationship impact today? You’re likely choosing unavailable men (like married ones) who will end up abandoning you…reconfirming your lack of self-worth. Experience has taught you that those closest to you are most likely to hurt you, leaving you with a toxic combination of fear of commitment and low self-esteem.

If any of these have resonated with you, it’s OK. You’re in excellent company. You know what…no one taught your parents how to do it better, so blame and resentment is not the way forward. Although it feels natural. Truly, forgiveness is the key to moving forward with your relationships in the present.

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• How To Unpack Your Relationship Baggage
  

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You know what’s in the average first-aid kit. Stuff like plasters (Band Aids for you North Americans!), gauze, antiseptic cream, iodine etc. But do you have an emotional first aid kit tucked away somewhere?

I’d argue that it’s as important, if not more important, than a physical first aid kit

Just think about the following examples:

• when you have a headache, you may take a nap, take an ibuprofen, or stretch out your tight shoulders if it feels like a tension headhead.
• when you’re running a slight temperature, you may take an aspirin
• when you step on a rusty nail, you will either wash the wound with hydrogen peroxide and apply antibiotic cream, or you’ll make an appointment to get a tetanus jab
• when you have an upset stomach, you drink plenty of water to flush out your system

So what do you do when:

• you’re feeling low
• your best friend has betrayed you
• you’re left feeling small and insignificant
• the gray, damp weather is reflected in your mood
• your boyfriend has given you a weird look and you know, judging by that feeling in the pit of your tummy, that something is going on

In both sets of examples, you get my point, but in the second set, you can’t just reach for a painkiller or slap a bandage on it. (You might argue that you can but the type of medication for the second list includes alcohol, binge eating, smoking cigarettes/weed/crack cocaine…not one of those options is an empowering one).

That’s why it’s so necessary to have your very own emotional first aid kit available. This may consist of having good friends on speed dial, inspiring or motivational literature like a poem that you just love (one of my favourites is Ode by Author O’Shaughnessy), the knowledge that if you go out into nature, or choose to focus on gratitude, it will help turn a leaf on how you are feeling, and a regular meditation practice. But in order for it to work, you must -

1. Have some of it in place, because you’ve explored it, worked with it, done it and felt the effect it has on you at good times
2. Begin one or more of it immediately when you notice something is going on. In the same way that you know that if you don’t get the tetanus shot in time, there may be more serious consequences, so you should also take on board, that if you don’t undertake to do something about your inner state immediately, there may be more serious consequences.

The more you choose to do this, the more it becomes a habit, the less you need to think about it, and the more it will have a positive effect on your state of mind very quickly.

Havi Brooks talks about The Book of You. I call it the Me Manual. You can consider it your Emotional/Psychological First Aid Kit. But the what the hell is it? I’m getting to that!

The Me Manual is the place where you can jot down all the things that help you. That give you a sense of calm. That lift you when you’re having one of those days. Glue that poem you love in there. Remind yourself, in writing, that you need 8-hours of sleep a night, otherwise you get cranky. To paraphrase Havi:

“Sweetie, you are so such happier when you get 8hrs of sleep a night. The entire day goes better. Seriously, it’s been tested. Just do it!”

Go ahead and test things. Does stuffing your face with chocolate chip cookies really make you feel better? Does a walk around the block just do the job, every time? The important part about having an emotional first aid kit is about developing a conscious relationship with yourself, so that you know yourself, how YOU work, what’s best for YOU. And no one else.

And no, it’s not self-absorbed or selfish to commit to learning about yourself (and taking notes!).

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