Two Chairs Counselling

Some of you might have heard of Seth Godin, but I’m willing to bet that most of you aren’t as geeky as me when it comes to teaching yourself marketing stuff.

Fair enough…so what’s he got to do with you?

Good question. I was having a conversation with someone recently about their relationship. She was bemoaning the fact that things in her relationship had started out great but that they’d hit a plateau and it wasn’t like it was a bad relationship now…it was boring.

No one sets out to have a boring relationship. But it happens all the time.

This is where Seth comes in. He published a book back in 2007 called The Dip. In this book, he states that “almost everything in life worth doing is controlled by the dip. At the beginning, when you first start something, it’s fun and interesting, and you get plenty of good feedback from the people around you.”

In the beginning, relationships are fun.

It’s new! You’re getting loads of sex! You have someone to spend your Sunday’s with! You have that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling every time you see them! Your friends tell you they’ve never seen you so happy!

And then The Dip happens.

The Dip is the long road between starting a task and mastering it. And, I’m telling you, relationships are something to be mastered. Seth says that “the dip is the long stretch between beginner’s luck and real accomplishment.”

Or, if you prefer the straight talking version – the part where you realise “the sexy” has gone.

The difference between a mediocre relationship and an excellent one is not innate talent. Or not being a child of divorced parents. Or being totally convinced that you look good naked. The difference is the ability to do what it takes to push through the moments that suck or are boring when you know it would be easier to quit.

Sometimes though, quitting can help.

Immediate caveat – I do not mean quitting the relationship.

Seth and his shiny pate (he’s bald and has a head so shiny you could do your make-up in it. Seriously. Google him. I’ll wait) say that “believe it or not, quitting is great strategy, a smart way to manage your life and your career.”

What he’s saying here is that in order to be the best at something, you must quit many pursuits along the way. Quit doing the stuff that no longer serves you. He says it this way: “You should quit if you’re on a dead-end path”.

This is not to say you quit the relationship when you love your guy, abandoning your long term goal of being in a satisfying, healthy relationship, but quit the tactics that aren’t working.

I’ve encountered so many women who continue to practice the same ineffective methods of being in their relationship. More often than not, these apply specifically to communication and conflict. The number one thing people consistently want to improve in their relationships is communication. But get this:

The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I’ve annoyed and pissed off enough of my friends by saying that if they want their relationships to improve then they need to change rather than bitching about how annoying their boyfriend is (you were nicer before you re-trained…they mutter).

The key to having a great relationship starts with you. Ditch what’s not working and step up to invest in learning new ways that work better.

Lean into The Dip, hear the messages it’s giving you – the way you’re handling this isn’t working and that’s why it’s boring/hard/frustrating. Change the game as you go along, and ask for help when you need it.

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I’ve said it here on this blog before. I say it AT LEAST twice a week in sessions with clients. So I think we can all agree I think it’s important. I believe it’s the key to building better relationships with everyone.

Want I think is so important is this – We Teach People How To Treat Us.

What exactly do I mean by that? I mean that people will take their cues from you about how you will allow them to act around you. I mean that every time something really annoys you and you let it go without saying a word, you are sanctioning that behaviour – implicitly you are saying to that person “It’s OK for you to say that to me”. Cue worse relationships with those in your life.

Let’s use an example here – you have a friend who’s a bit of drama queen. She’s your friend because she’s great fun, she’s the life and soul of the party and you really enjoy her upbeat energy and vitality when she’s on tip top form. However, there’s a downside to this person being in your life.

This drama queen side to her personality means she’s no stranger to calling you up for long, loooooooong moaning sessions about whatever’s going on with her. Or maybe she turns up to your house and overstays her welcome. Whatever, you get the idea.

The result is that it drains you of your energy. Getting sucked in the vortex of the latest crisis leaves you feeling completely rinsed. This relationship is not enjoyable and fulfilling.

How did you get here? You allowed the behaviour to continue unchecked. You taught her that it is OK to treat you like this.

We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves too. Have you ever known someone who’s confident, poised, charming and seems to ooze a quiet inner strength. You sort of want to hate them but they’re too nice…you just can’t. They’ll admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. They give credit where credit is due. They aren’t arrogant or stuck up but they do take pride in a job well done.

Got someone like that in mind? Even if they’re a fictional character? Good. Now, have you noticed how this person often seems to get what they want? Have you noticed how your boss seems to have more respect for this person? Have you noticed how they just don’t have to deal with the same level of crap that you do?

Why is that? That person models how they want to be treated by others by how they handle themselves.

The person who’s springing to my mind is Joan Holloway from Mad Men. Fans of the show will know who I mean – this character holds herself in high esteem. She gets the respect she expects from those in her world because she teaches people how to treat her, she’s unambiguous about what behaviours she will and won’t tolerate.

I’m aware that this might sound really “judgey” written down like this but that is not my intention. If you’ve realised that there is someone in your life who doesn’t treat you the way you would like to be treated and you’re realising that you might have been allowing them to treat you that way – good! But stop right there.

Judging yourself or blaming yourself isn’t a compassionate, loving way to move forward once you’ve had this realisation.

By realising that the power is in your hands, by knowing that you and only you are responsible for asking how you want to be treated by others, it’s only up to you to get more of what you want by changing how you invite others to behave towards you.

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Boundaries. You’ve heard the term before no doubt. It’s highly likely you’re not totally clear on exactly what they mean, what they are, what they look like.

In essence they are the invisible lines between you and the people in your life. When they are up and running as they should be they keep you emotionally safe and secure. They are the inviolable limits that you personally set for your comfort levels in life. They can take the form of sexual boundaries (what will and won’t do in bed/what you are and aren’t comfortable with). There are also physical, social, financial, intellectual and spiritual boundaries.

They primary purpose is to help you determine your feelings, needs, wants, responsibilities and identity from others.

Relationship boundaries help you to be clear about your individuality, your own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs are unique to you and separate from the people in you life.

Why bother having them? They are an integral part of your sense of confidence and self-esteem. Low confidence and low esteem almost always comes hand-in-hand with crappy boundaries. You’ll allow anyone and everyone to treat you like a doormat because on some level you do not believe that asking for and having your needs met is something you have a right to.

Because we teach people how to treat us, knowing what our boundaries is crucial. If you’re wondering why it feels like everyone takes advantage of you, why it seems like you bend over backwards for others but are shocked when they simply do not behave the same way in return, I encourage you to think about what your limits are and how you communicate them.

If the people in your life don’t know what your limits are, they’ll assume it’s OK to keep going until you say stop.

Let’s look at different types of boundaries and how you set them:

Physical Boundaries - you set these by being clear about:

• Who can touch you
• How and when you are touched
• Being clear about your sense of personal space

Emotional Boundaries – you set these by being clear about:

• Setting limits on how you expect to be treated, ie: It is NOT OK for you to drunk dial me at 3am on a Tuesday.
• Not tolerating remarks that, to you, are sexist, racist etc
• Speaking up for the things you believe in with integrity

Relationship Boundaries – you set these by being clear about:

• Not tolerating it when people are mean or cruel towards you
• Clearly communicating your expectations about your relationship (whoever it’s with!)
• Being clear about what is and isn’t OK

Here are some examples of boundary violations – when you allow someone to do something that oversteps your line.

• You spend lots of time coming up with a great plan for dinner. You head out of your way to get lovely organic steak, you delicately create a tricky sauce, you get the house looking gorgeous. Your man turns up an hour and a half late and a bit drunk. The food is cold, the sauce ruined, the candles burned out. You’re angry. BUT you say nothing, do nothing and act like everything is fine.
• You’re at the bar, this guy is flirting with you, you’re kind of into him. Cut to the end of the evening and you find yourself going home with him and sleeping with him because, ultimately, you want him to like you.

Allowing your relationship boundaries to be crossed this way on a regular basis chips away at your self-esteem over time. Without them, it becomes tougher and tougher to create healthy relationships that nourish you, that allow you to get your needs met. Setting limits means you stop resentful, angry feelings from building up.

The first step to setting healthy boundaries is to become aware of them, so spend some time just thinking about what your limits are. Conversely, think about times when you’ve felt resentful about something that happened and think about what boundary might have been crossed for you.

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This is a bit of a begging blog post. I am going to be begging you, as you read through it, to think about the emotional wake you leave in your path when you’re trying to resolve conflict.

(Aside – Non-Violent Communication is an excellent conflict resolution source, by the way. Big pay off for a small investment!)

What do I mean by that? I mean I want you to think about what the consequences are of your off-the-cuff remarks, what the impact is on others once what you’ve said has been run through that person’s filter, amplified and had their own personal spin put on it.

Email, text, tweets, Facebook updates all present huge opportunities for people to put their personal spin on your words whether your in conflict or not. With no physical clues such as tone of voice, body language and facial expressions, the intent of your words can easily be misinterpreted.

What should you do if the dawning realisation occurs that using text and email to resolve conflict causes more problems than it solves?

PICK UP THE PHONE. USE SKYPE.

The most powerful communication tactic at your disposal is eye contact.

In second position is all the nuance conveyed in tone of voice, pitch, pace and volume.

Email and text message should be a distant third place.

This is because a negative emotional wake during conflict resolution is expensive and it’s much easier to create one over email or text. In order to create a positive emotional wake and lessen the opportunity for an inaccurate spin to be attached to your messages, learn to deliver your messages straight, clean and true.

Learn to deliver messages that aren’t loaded with subtext.

Loaded messages come in many guises. They might arrive in the form of a sugary sweet message that has a palpable malevolent undertone. Your radar picks them up, it tunes into a hidden agenda embedded in the message, leaving you feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. Resolving conflict this way causes more harm than good.

No matter how much sugar is sprinkled on the message, you read the underlying intent to do harm loud and clear. The result is that your trust in that person is eroded, you don’t look forward to your next conversation and you withhold yourself from that person is countless subtle ways.

What does a loaded message sound like? Good question, smarty! I’ll tell you:

• BLAMING – the mother of all loaded messages! “This whole thing is YOUR FAULT!”…”It’s you, not me”…”You really screwed this up”
• NAME CALLING OR LABELING – so hurtful. “You’re an insensitive narcissist”. “You’re a liar”. “You’re a failure”.
• USING SARCASM OR BLACK HUMOR – cutting and simply not funny. “Apparently, your life goal is live on the cutting edge of mediocrity”. “Seems like you’ve hit rock bottom and have started to dig”.
• ATTACHING GLOBAL WEIGHT TO TIP-OF-ICEBERG STUFF – A small thing happened and it means this HUGE thing. How about this classic – “You don’t love me and you never have”. “This ruins everything and we’re finished”.
• THREATENING AND INTIMIDATING – always a winner! “Seems you don’t value your job”. “You’ll never see your kids again”. “If you do that one more time…”.
• EXAGGERATING – pretty straight forward this one. “You always do this!”. “You never do the washing up”.

Any of these starting to sound familiar? I bet you’ve used a few as well as being on the receiving end. Here are a couple more negatively loaded emotional statements:

• Pointing out someone’s failures in order to communicate; the message is clearly that the other person is inferior.
• Saying “if I were you…”. When you say this the message is that you should have done it my way. The under-current here is why can’t you be more like me.
• Bringing up the old baggage. A killer! You might hear this: “This is just like the time when….”
• Assassinating someone in public. This is sneaky and cowardly and often you’ll try and get away with it by pretending that it’s funny.
• Making blatantly negative facial expressions. No matter what I say, if I am disappointed or angry or completely at odds with you, it’s written all over my face.
• Being unresponsive, refusing to speak. Some would say this is the cruelest load you can attach. It comes across to others as a lack of caring or a lack of validation.

Here’s something I invite you to do. Take a moment to recall one of your conversations recently that didn’t go well. Forget about the other person’s ineffective behaviour, focus just on you. Revisit the conversation, play it back in your head like a movie. See the expressions on your face. What was your body language saying? Replay your words and tune into the tone they were spoken in. View on the movie screen in your mind the part of the conversation when your partner became upset or angry. What did you say or do that seemed to trigger that response?

Click on this link for a quick and dirty model of conflict resolution!

Now review the list above and answer the following questions:

What emotional load did I attach to my message?

Is that usual for me? Is it like a finger print I leave on my conversations with people?

What effect did it have on the conversation?

If you like, leave comments below. I’ll be sure to answer any questions and provide feedback.

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Being right can often look innocent enough:

Ann: “Babe, we didn’t go out Friday, it was Saturday.”

It can also seem very rational:

Ann: “When you carry the sports gear separately, rather than in the sports bag, you have a better chance of losing things.”
David: “I prefer to just bring the necessities rather than a big bag.”

(So far so good…until…)

Ann: “But that doesn’t make sense. It’s much easier to have everything in one place and secure. Everyone knows that, why don’t you?”

And it can be extreme:
Dan: “You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t do the dishes like that. First, you wash them with dish soap, then you rinse them, and then you put them in the dishwasher. I can’t believe you’re washing them that way!”

Being right, at its extreme, sends out the message to the other person that they’re stupid. Although most people are smart enough to not call someone stupid directly, the other person is well aware that’s what you’re thinking.

Allow your partner to not be “wrong” and look for a middle ground. Perhaps you’re both “right” and you just see things differently. By creating space for an alternative, you allow for the possibility of a win-win situation rather than a win-lose. This helps you, your partner, and the relationship. Remember, “You can be right or you can be married.” You can’t be both. (If you’re not married, this obviously still applies!)

Challenge: If anyone has ever told you that you always have to be right or that you’re argumentative or need to get in the last word, then pay attention. You may struggle with this and, trust me, even if you are right 90% or the time, it’s annoying to live with.

When you notice yourself in that space, take a deep breath, close your mouth, and just relax. Know that you have a point, and give yourself the acknowledgement you are trying so hard to get from others.

Listen to What’s Wrong With Always Being Right here. The intro to this podcast alone is worth it!

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What role does Facebook play in your relationship? Is it helping or hurting?

Most weeks, there’s a story that crops up for usually more than one client that involves Facebook. Actually, that’s true of my friends as well. And conflict via text messages crop up in a similar way.

The usual suspects are checking up on your boyfriend because you’re feeling insecure in the relationship – this leads to the online snooping around…who’s he friends with…who’s he talking to…can that comment be misconstrued as flirty (the answer – yes. Always.)

How can I say that with such certainty? Because if you’re looking for something so desperately, you’ll find it…you’ll find a way.

Or there’s the that guy you’ve just started seeing – has he changed his relationship status…? Who are his friends…? Can you stalk his ex-girlfriend…?

Facebook seems to really come into it’s own when you’ve broken up though. At this point, it can almost seem like an addiction. What’s he doing…Who’s he with…Are there any signs that he misses me? OMG…! Is he kissing that girl! It used to be that you dreaded running into your ex but now it’s all too easy to stay completely up to date with what he’s been doing. This does nothing to help your grieving process.

How to navigate the end of a relationship on Facebook is something Clinton Power has detailed out really well in this post.

It just be to share your relationship’s dirty laundry, or an addiction to the online banter, etc.  The list is endless!

Here’s a newsflash – Facebook isn’t the problem….it is the relationship dynamics and our all too human reactions that get in the way.

Here are some guidelines to using Facebook without jeopardizing your relationship :

• Jealousy and Drawing a Line: If your relationship already has the jealousy-syndrome, then Facebook won’t help.  Using Facebook can really magnify the insecurities because you don’t get to see the “behind the scene” interactions between other people.  If you are feeling insecure, maybe you and your partner shouldn’t have FB.  All those one sentence posts or new friendships can be taken out of context, misinterpreted, or misconstrued. It can set off unwanted alarm bells in your head which can lead to heated arguments. Here’s some radical advice – delete your account.
• Check-In, Don’t Assume: Posts by your partner, friends, or work mates are three words to three sentences about their world.  You aren’t in their world, all you get is a sneak peak at their world.  Since you don’t have all the back ground to that person’s post, your view of it may be completely off base.  Check-in with the other person if you have concerns about an update so that you can fill in the blanks and get the whole story. Take a leap and talk to the other person before you assume.
• Be SUPER clear: If your relationship is already on the rocks, be super duper clear with your posts.  Don’t post ambiguous posts, such as “Things that make you go hmmmm…”  That update could relate to anything…maybe it was the result of some light-hearted work banter. But if you guys are going through a rocky patch, your fella might read that and jump to conclusions. Before you know it, you’re involved in a argument over email in the middle of the work day. Give a bit more info so it shows more of your world. The clearer you are, the less you have to explain.
• Post Safe Topics: Use safe topic posts that won’t strike a cord or can be misinterpreted.  Safe topics may include what are doing for the day, how your work day is going, or maybe a few of your favorite quotes.
• Do Not Air Your Relationship Dirty Laundry: Your feelings may be all consuming and all you want to do is let it out…on Facebook.  Posting your relationship problems won’t fix them.  It simply posts your dirty laundry to the public and causes more problems, for example; changing your relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single”. A passive aggressive swipe if ever there was one. This link pokes fun at the really tricky issues of relationship status updates.  Instead, address the issue directly with your partner.  It isn’t that people don’t care about your relationship and your struggles, but posting your issues and complaining about it isn’t appropriate…nor will it get you anywhere.  Not everyone needs to know the nitty-gritty about your relationship. Think twice before you post.  It is a public forum.
• Change your Privacy Settings: Sometimes personal life really shouldn’t mix with business, or certain people shouldn’t know your daily life activities. Piecing together someone’s life by Facebook posts is very common, yet very challenging to get the puzzle pieces to fit exactly.  Filter who can and cannot see your postings; save yourself a lot of pain and heart ache.
• Cut back: It is very very easy to caught up (or addicted) to social networking and you could find daily surfing increasing and checking your iphone for updates, or as soon as you wakeup/go to bed to facebook. Your relationship is happening here and now…not online at Facebook. Show up in your relationship, be present for your boyfriend. Facebook is fun, I get that, but what’s not fun is having to compete for the attention of someone who’s obsessed by it. Not sexy.
• Hit the Delete Button: Sometimes people may cross a line by posting inappropriate messages or flirty comments. If you and your boy have been able to have a straight-forward and direct conversation about someone who’s posting updates that upset one or both of you…it’s time to think about deleting that person from your list. Your relationship is too important.  If in doubt…press delete.

Speaking of social media, are we connected? I’d love to hang out with you some more at Facebook

If you’d like to join me on my up coming tele-seminar “Honest Communication Without The Hurt – 7 Steps to Heart Centered Communication that Ends the Argument and Starts the Conversation” – then sign up for my newsletter now. I’ll be offering early registration discounts and priority pricing once we’re ready to go.

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Have you ever had one of those lengthy text fights that go nowhere? You are not alone.

Arguing and conflict really are best done in person.

I once had this conversation. With my boss. It was a horrendous and disempowering conversation. Mostly for me because what I wanted to say was “Woman! You crazy!” but obviously I couldn’t. Here’s what happened:

Boss: “What do you think he means by this text message?”

Me: “Let’s see…what did he say?” (I am concerned at this point, worried even).

*Hands over phone*

I read the message. I kid you not, it said “I’ll meet you 7pm”.

Me: …long pause…”I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to keep things simple and let you know what the plans are for this evening.”

Boss: “Yes…but the TONE of his message is weird, don’t you think?”

Me: {Inside my head I’m screaming} THE TONE? THE TONE? IT’S A TEXT MESSAGE, THERE IS NO TONE!

Dr. Albert Mehrabian reports in his book Silent Messages that the majority of communication is through body language and tone of voice, not what is said. So he’s with me, there’s no tone in a text message, the only tone is the one you’re choosing to colour this text message with.

He calls it the “7%-38%-55% Rule.” Fifty-five percent of other people’s reactions to you are based on your facial expression, 38% based on your tone of voice, and only 7% of their reaction are from the words you are actually saying.

Communication is more than words.

Addressing relationship problems through text messaging relies only on the 7% of what is being said, which requires the other 93% to be guessed.   Text arguing is usually a road to disaster and doesn’t help resolve conflict.

However, we’ve all been there. You’re at work, you’re freaking out about a particular issue and it really feels like it can’t wait until this evening when you can talk about it.

You fire off a message. You feel better for, oh, 10 whole seconds, and then you’re obsessively checking your phone because you want him to get back to you now…NOW! Lucky for you he does but things quickly slip in a spiral of mean quips in the short bursts that characterize the text message.

Here are a few “Do’s and Don’ts” to Text Messaging to keep your relationship intact:

• Do send your thoughts of love, admiration, and appreciation. Use text messaging as a form to send your positive thoughts and feelings towards your partner.
• Don’t try to resolve conflict over text messaging. If you and your partner have a history of unsuccessful text messaging during conflict, avoid using your phone and wait until you see each other.
• Do remember that your partner may not be available all hours of the day. Remember that they may be in a place where they aren’t able to respond quickly. Don’t expect your partner to be available via text all hours of the day. This is unrealistic and can actually create problems in your relationship.
• Don’t bite back. Simply because your partner “bites” in a text message, this doesn’t give you the green light to “bite” back. Try to respond with respect and love.
• Do tell your partner when conflict arises that you will address it when the two of you are able to speak to one another. Speaking face-to-face allows the two of you to use all verbal and nonverbal communication styles.
• Don’t send angry text messages that include attacking comments, criticism, name calling, bad language, or degrading comments. Your partner can keep track of the hurtful text messages and quickly be reminded of how you are hurtful. Re-read the text messages before you send them, and make sure it’s respectful and safe.
• Do take a few moments to calm your nerves before you send a reply to your partner. Re-read your text to edit, delete, or add to it. Try to step out of your shoes and into your partner’s shoes with receiving your message.
• Don’t forget to remind your partner that you two are a team. The more of a team you guys are, the less there needs to be attacks for defensiveness.
• Do use text messaging as a way to communicate about simple, day-to-day issues. Use this as a means to communicate about “non-emotional provoking” issues.

If you’d like to join me on my up coming tele-seminar “Honest Communication Without The Hurt – 7 Steps to Heart Centered Communication that Ends the Argument and Starts the Conversation” – then sign up for my newsletter now. I’ll be offering early registration discounts and priority pricing once we’re ready to go.

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So you’ve been reading this blog, maybe over the past couple of posts you’ve thought to yourself “Yeah…there is something I’m pretending not to know that’s going on in my life at the moment”.

On the conflict resolution front, maybe you thought “I’m going to need to talk to Alvin/Simon/Theodor* about this before the issue gets worse”.

Then maybe you read my post about confrontation and thought “Yes…I am very weary of it…it hasn’t gone well in the past”.

Well hold on there, sparky fire pants!

That’s awesome that you want to dive in solve some tough stuff but, before you trot off to tell Alvin/Simon/Theodor what you think of them AND the horse they rode in on, scan through this list of the top 5 mistakes people make during conflict resolution and ditch them when planning your conflict resolution strategy:

MISTAKE 1 – So…How’s it going…?

What’s wrong with this? I’m going to tell you (because I’m cool like that!). Without putting too fine a point on it, opening a conflict or a confrontation like this is disrespectful and dishonest. And, frankly, you’re not fooling annnnnyone.

I’m willing to bet you’ve asked this question, probably at work. You saunter over to a work colleague who you need to confront about something, you don’t want to be the mean boss, you want to make sure it’s clear that you guys are friends.

You sit down and ask this question. Their immediate thought…more than likely…is “Shit…something’s up”.

Most of us can sniff out a hidden agenda. 97% of communication is non-verbal so at this point your colleague is picking up on all sorts of clues that are leaking out. This question is now looking, sounding, smelling like a lead-in to bad news.

What happens next is that they come back with – “Great…everything’s going really well. I’m finding x,y,z a challenge but the team and I are brainstorming it this morning at 10am, I’ll make sure you get a full update on email as soon as we’re done!”

Sound familiar? Now where is the conversation? Nowhere useful, that’s for damn sure.

Most people will bluff their way through a thinly veiled confrontation for as long as they possibly can, coming up with plausible sounding rebuffs left, right and centre. But, if you have something you need to say, treat that person with the respect they deserve and say it.

Want more on managing conflict at work? – this place seems to have you pretty much covered. For the very high brow among you, check this site out.

MISTAKE 2 – THE BOURBON BISCUIT/CUSTARD CREAM/OREO COOKIE

This metaphor slightly falls down because ideally the middle of the biscuit/cookie would be something you didn’t want (instead of something you scrape off with your teeth…not something I’d know anything about *cough*).

This is the time-honoured classic where you sandwich a the conflict issue between two compliments.

Or you go COMPLIMENT – ISSUE – BLAH, BLAH, WOW, YOUR HIGHLIGHTS LOOK GREAT! BLAH

This approach does two things. It diminishes the compliment that you want to pay someone AND it diminishes the importance of the issue that you’d like to discuss. Mainly because there’s a but in there. That word always changes the direction of a conversation, it’s indirect and clouds the message. It also has the nasty habit of making people feel paranoid.

MISTAKE 3 – THE OVER STUFFED WALRUS

In London, there’s a museum called The Horniman Museum (stop giggling…). This museum is in proud possession of an over-stuffed walrus.

Why? Because the taxidermist who stuffed it a gazillion years ago had never seen a real-live walrus ever before in his life, and had no idea they had lots of wrinkles. So he totally stuffed it. Literally.

What’s this got to do with conflict resolution and confrontation? Well, I’ll tell you.

If you’re over-stuffing your message with too much padding, the message gets lost. We do this because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings (again…not something I’d know ANYTHING about!). It’s a good part of human nature, we don’t want to inflict pain on others. However, if you’ve worked up a sweat psyching yourself for a talk but put so much padding around your message, you will have expended all of that emotional energy for nothing, as the message gets lost.

What’s really happening here is that while you’re telling yourself you don’t want to hurt their feelings, you’re really trying to protect yourself.

Dealing with your own emotions is probably tough enough, you don’t really want to deal with someone else’s. Replace the stuffing with clear requests.

MISTAKE 4 – MYSTIC MEG

Otherwise known as predicting the future! What happens when you do this is that you rehearse a script ahead of time in your head. You think you know what they’re going to counter with, then you figure out what you’re going to say…etc.

What happens when you script the conversation ahead of time is that you can get so locked into the responses you’re expecting to hear that when you’re actually having the conversation, you miss how they actually respond. Which may be completely different to your script!

It’s also possible that if you’ve rehearsed your talk enough, you’ll end up delivering it in a rushed, cold, impersonal way.

As I’ve already said, 97% of communication is non-verbal so the images your playing in your mind of the rehearsed scenario are causing neurons to fire off and those messages get translated into bodily reactions.

If you’re imagining an angry response and you’re tensing up in preparation for one – all this is being communicated through your body. The person you’re talking to may not be angry, or at least not to start off with, but they’ll pick up on your physical cues and, more than likely, start to get defensive.

MISTAKE 5 – GOING NUCLEAR

This is the confrontational equivalent of basically being North Korea. No diplomacy, no UN Peace Keeping Force, no highly publicized visits by heads of state.

Sadly, most of us are familiar with the person who confronts by going nuclear straight away. They lob in the confrontational grenade but often, they’re so terrified of the response that they skip the defensive maneuvers and go directly to the high level defensive.

Cue screaming match. Or stunned silence. Either way, it’s not a positive experience for anyone.

The take away from this post is this – come straight at the issue. Get right to the point.

Check back here for more pointers on exactly how to do that.

*Major kudos to anyone who got my Chipmunks reference…

If you’d like to join me on my up coming tele-seminar “Honest Communication Without The Hurt – 7 Steps to Heart Centered Communication that Ends the Argument and Starts the Conversation” – then sign up for my newsletter now. I’ll be offering early registration discounts and priority pricing once we’re ready to go.

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If you’d like to join me on my up coming tele-seminar “Honest Communication Without The Hurt – 7 Steps to Heart Centered Communication that Ends the Argument and Starts the Conversation” – then sign up for my newsletter now. I’ll be offering early registration discounts and priority pricing once we’re ready to go.

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“The definition of madness is trying to solve the same problem the same way but expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein (or words to that effect, anyway…I couldn’t find the exact quote).

Burnout happens, not because we’re trying to solve problems but because we’ve been trying to solve the same problem over and over again.

If you read my previous post you might have figured out something that you’re pretending not to know. It might be something in your relationship, like in the story I told in that post.

If you have figured out that there’s something you’re pretending not to know, it’s highly likely you’re going to need to have a conversation with someone about something. I’m guessing something big. A confrontation. Without developing the skill of confrontation, you’ll struggle to develop the skill of conflict resolution – Dr Coach Love makes this point well here.

And here comes the classic refrain – “But I hate confrontation…” said in a whiny tone.

Some things are more difficult to talk about than others, right? Many families, business teams, couples, groups of friends operate with an unspoken rule book that includes a list of undiscussables. These are topics that are just too risky to talk about and everyone is in silent agreement about it.

They are the things you bring up in your relationship that turn into a night of rowing, crying and someone sleeping on the sofa.

They might be in the form of quid pro quo agreements that means that without discussing it, everyone instinctively understands that the topic is never to be spoken about:

• I won’t yell at you about the credit card statement if you won’t go mad when I buy four pairs of shoes
• I won’t mention your drinking if you don’t talk about my weight
• I won’t complain about Call of Duty IV addiction if you don’t mention my close relationship with my ex

Sometimes we avoid saying things because we know there will be consequences (and if you get my newsletter, you’ll spot this thinking error).

• Have you lost your mind! If I said that to my boyfriend he’d go ballistic
• He’d just fall apart if I raised that issue, he’s just too fragile
• I think my boyfriend is sleeping with that girl from the office, but if I confront him with my evidence, he’ll deny it, tell me I’m an insecure, jealous harpie and will barely speak to me for a month
• If I talk about that, it’ll put ideas in his head

Are you doing this? Are you dodging a confrontation? I sure as hell have, and there’s no question that I still find it difficult despite years of training and personal development work that’s par for the course when you’re a therapist…I still struggle.

In my personal life and in my professional life, I’ve discovered that there is a seemingly universal talent for avoiding difficult conversations. “I don’t want to rock the boat” is often the excuse for not tackling the issue.

But if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.

If your stomach flips at the thought of confronting someone’s behaviour, then congratulations, you’re in excellent company. It’s way, way less threatening to talk about your dissatisfaction with your sex life than to look your boyfriend right in the eye and address the specific behaviour that may be causing your heart ache.

Fearing confrontation is natural. I’d say especially here in the UK, it’s not part of the cultural identity to open up and have heart-to-hearts. And besides, for the most part, confrontation didn’t go well in the past, am I right? All your attempts to date have taught you the same lesson again and again – don’t bother…it’s too painful…the stakes are just too high. Head on over here for EVEN more on overcoming your fears around confrontation.

What are your fears about confronting the issues? Do any of these sound familiar?

• If I bring it up, it might escalate the problem
• I might be rejected
• I could lose the relationship
• Confronting the issue might bring about an outcome for which I am totally unprepared
• What if they retaliate?
• The cure could be worse than the disease
• If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and I’m going to keep pretending it ain’t broke
• What if they get emotional…or irrational?
• I’ll hurt their feelings
• They’ll hurt my feelings

But are the results of NOT confronting the problem?

• The problem could continue getting worse
• I could get rejected
• I could lose the relationship
• Emotions could continue running high until one of us blows

You see where I’m going with this. The very outcomes we fear the most if we confront someone’s behaviour are practically guaranteed to show up if we don’t.

Here’s the truth – it will just take longer and the results will likely occur at the worst possible moment, when you’re least prepared and feeling at your most vulnerable…and with a huge price tag attached.

When the topic of confrontation comes up you might well conjure up the picture of ranting, screaming, clenched fists, mad, wild eyes…you have a negative context for confrontation.

For example, let’s imagine you believe cats are dangerous. The door opens, a cat saunters in and pads over in your direction. That’s it. No claws, no howling, no hissing…nothing. Just that.

You are afraid. The cat didn’t scare you. Your believe scared you.

Beliefs determine how you feel and therefore they determine how you feel.

I’m going to be spending the next couple of weeks expanding on this theme of conflict and confrontation, but for the time being I want you think about what it is about confrontation that you hate – post your thoughts in the comments below.

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