Two Chairs Counselling

I use the word “authentic” a lot. With clients, with friends and with myself. I have a tattoo on my left wrist which says “Seek the Truth” which, to me, means seek what is authentic and true. It’s the best relationship advice there is because the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship in your life.

I don’t believe that there’s one, objective truth that we all have to live our lives by. I don’t believe my clients think that either – consciously or unconsciously. But living someone else’s life well is still a life wasted.

You are a one-of-a-kind, a special snowflake, utterly unique. Yes, this is getting a bit squishy….but hang with me.

Relationship Advice Newsflash ahead – You cannot have the life you want, make the decisions you want or be the person you are capable of being until your actions represent an authentic expression of who you really are in the world. Or who you wish to become.

Authenticity requires that you pay attention to Woody Allen’s (and my Dad’s) first rule of enlightenment – SHOW UP!

The first step in dissolving relationship problems is this – You must deliberately and purposefully be present in your life, turn up, be there – not off day dreaming, thinking about the shopping list, planning your next holiday etc.

“Ummm…what do you mean, aren’t I already showing up” – you might be thinking.

I wish I could answer yes but if I could give you a pair of glasses through which you could view the world as I see it, you’d see a whole different picture. If I could show you what I see in my office with clients without violating every ethical code I hold dear, you’d see the internal anguish of women in troubled relationships, responding with a bleak “nothing’s wrong” to an inquiring boyfriend.

In the words of Martin Amis “we are out there on the cutting edge of the uncontroversial.”

Recently a question was posed to me which has really helped dig deep and really interrogate my capacity to show up in my life. And in terms of relationship advice, it’s priceless – what are you pretending not to know?

Let’s look at how a sixty second conversation can startle you into showing up.

After spending some time in therapy doing some deep and personal work on herself, Anna felt more ready than she’d ever been to begin a serious and committed relationship. She had a fun time on the London dating scene. She met Tim, fell in love with him and they got married. He was studying to become a lawyer but part way through he realised he’d got into law for all the wrong reasons – recognition, status, money, the approval of society. He dropped out and got a job in marketing with a huge multi-national corporation. At the time, Anna defended Tim when various people in his life expressed disappointment.

His job posted him abroad and my friend dutifully followed him. After a few years, Tim got bored of bland corporate land and decided he wanted to pursue the bucolic, luscious life of the farmer. So, they moved again onto a small holding type set up.

As the reality of how difficult it is in reality to run a farm, Tim got restless again. Endless days of chores, early starts, the muttering of the long-term country folk who’d seen these city types many times before became too much for him and he longed to return to the urban environment again. He decided he’d like to teach and so went back to uni.

A while later, Anna discovered that Tim had been cutting classes to come back home after she’d gone to work. Tim had derailed professionally again. He was, by this time, understandably embarrassed. He suggested that the best plan was for him to stay home, take care of the house, do the chores etc while Anna continued to work. He discovered he liked being a househusband.

At the time, Anna was the member of a book club – a thinly veiled excuse to drink wine with a good group of girls. About a year into the book club, they were discussing a the topic of the role of women in marriage and relationships as a result of reading Double Fault by Lionel Shriver. Anna gave an impassioned speech about how things were different in this day and age, how women had many more options open to them and, as everyone knew, though she and Tim had reversed the traditional roles, they were very happy. She felt pretty pleased with herself, feeling quite the right-on feminist.

The group was silent after she finished her impromptu speech. And then one of the group leaned forward, refilled Anna’s glass and said “I love you Anna, but you’re full of shit”.

Anna was astonished but she continued, “Your relationship isn’t working for you. I believe you hate the whole arrangement, and you’ve lost respect for Tim. What are you pretending not to know?”

In that instant, and not a moment before, Anna knew she was right.

Up until that moment, Anna had been pushing away the nagging doubts she’d had about the relationship, sweeping them under the rug. Both she and Tim had been directing a lot of energy in NOT talking about emotions that seemed too painful to examine. Talking about their feelings might have forced an outcome for which they weren’t prepared. It took one comment, a flip remark from someone who was paying close attention to the intent beneath Anna’s words, to her body language, to the message which was that she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince anyone else that she was satisfied – to put her back in touch with reality.

Six months later, after many, many impassioned conversations, tears and sou-searching, Anna and Tim realised that while they did love each other, they didn’t love their life together and decided to end their marriage.

To this day Anna wonders how long she might have gone on, pretending not to know how deeply of kilter their marriage was. She is still grateful to her book club buddy who took the risk to deliver a message she badly needed to hear.

So I’m now asking you the same thing – is there something in your life that you’re pretending not to know?

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Right now I’m on holiday. There’s a clever scheduling thing on this blog which means I can write posts ahead of time and post them later. By the time you read this I will have watched the air stewardess do her pointy-pointy thing to highlight the exits and the floor lights, how to put a life vest on and what to do when the cabin pressure drops.

When the cabin pressure drops, they always tell you to attend to yourself first and then your child or a neighbour who needs help. I’ve always listened to that and thought – “No way, dude. I ain’t going out like that. I’m a helper! I’d mask up my neighbour before myself EVERY TIME!”

Well, guess what. I’m stupid.

There. I said it. The reason they ask you to do this is because you can’t help anyone else if you haven’t helped yourself first. They say this in any kind of lifesaving training. I did rescue training at the pool when I was a kid because I was strong swimmer and they didn’t have much else to teach me (when growing up in Hong Kong is a bonus…!).

Again the first thing they tell you is to assess the situation. If there is any danger that you’ll die or get broken in some way in a rescue attempt, they just tell you to flat out not do it and get more help instead.

How does this apply to you?

If you’re not taking care of yourself first, your relationships between you and everyone else in your life will suffer.

The more confident you feel in your own skin, the more confidence will just radiate from you. The more you attend to your emotional needs, the more energy you’ll have in your relationships with others.

I’ve said this elsewhere on the blog but your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have.

There are 5 areas I’d love for you to bring your attention to:

1. Physical Care – Care for yourself physically by exercising on a regular basis, eating healthy foods, and limiting the unhealthy foods. Physical care doesn’t simply mean eat healthy and working-out, it also means taking time for you physically. For example, spend extra attention on your own beauty regime however simple or elaborate it is, more effort on your hair, spritz on some luscious perfume, floss, get more sleep, get a pedicure (you now officially have my permission!).  The more you care for yourself, the more you’ll hold yourself in a confident manner.

2. Mentally – Often you use your brain solely for work and by the end of the day you feel totally brain-dead.  It is vital to take time to decompress and relax your mind.  Feed your mind with something mentally stimulating that gets your mind excited. Read a good book, learn about a new topic, or educate yourself about a topic that you have wanted to learn about.  The more mentally satisfied you are, the more it impacts the way you can relate with others. Click here for a Brain Workout!

3. Emotionally – Take time to emotionally improve your mood.  The more stressed and overwhelmed you are, the harder it is for the people in your life to connect with you.  Your mood can automatically drive a wedge in between you and a significant other.  Take time to decompress your emotions, regulate your mood, and slow down your reactions. Your JOB is to regulate your mood.  If your emotions aren’t regulated, then your partner isn’t able to see that you are safe to connect with.  Calm your nerves, decompress, and let out your steam in a productive manner.

4. Spiritually – Feed your soul with your spirituality….and this doesn’t necessarily mean “religious.”  Find a way to include your spirituality by meditations or connecting with mother-nature.

5. Relationally – Relationships all need nurturing, not just your relationship with your partner, but your relationships with all the significant people in your life.  Nurture your heart by improving your relationships with your children, friends, and family.  Make sure that you have a balance in your relationships, yet setting healthy boundaries.

Check Life Optimizer’s similar take on this post – Five Areas of Your Life You Should Balance To Live the Fullest Life

A big step towards this is learning how to say “No” so that your no actually means no. Check out my video on How To Say No. And Mean It.

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My Dad is on my newsletter mailing list. As well he should be, frankly! Anyway, the last one that went out had the expression “showing up in your life” in it. My dad emailed me to say how much he loves that phrase and we got into an interesting discussion about what that means to both of us.

Here’s what it means to my Dad: “If my life were a movie, then I am the star of the film. I think I should give an Oscar winning performance.

“Showing up, to me, means “being present”. In other words whatever we do, we should be 100% focused and involved in what we are doing, or who we are with, or where we happen to be. What a waste for your body to be in one place and your mind somewhere else…neither half of you would be getting any benefit.

“Sometimes we might not be where we want to be, but we always have a choice of how we respond and choose to act. This is how you show up.

“I have learned through a combination of experience and doing a lot of work on myself that living like this pays huge dividends. Most of all my relationships with my loved ones, friends and colleagues have blossomed. I sense it in the way they respond to me and in what they say. I feel so much more engaged with the world, more spontaeneous and more relaxed. Go on – show up in your life!”

Personally, I think he’s captured it perfectly.

I’m reading a brilliant book at the moment called Fierce Conversations and the author uses a brilliant phrase that sharpens what, for me, showing up means – be here, prepared to be nowhere else.

When you show up – in conversations, at family dinners, out on a date with your boy or hanging out with your friends you give them and yourself the greatest compliment – the purity of your attention.

You know when you’re showing up because colours become vivid, you’re really seeing, really looking. Food tastes better. Why? Because you’re present in the moment, actually experiencing what it is you’re eating instead of mindlessly stuffing it in while thinking about what movie to see later, or how you need to clear out your wardrobe and sell some stuff on ebay.

When you show up, fully present in your conversations, people DO sense it. I believe my Dad is totally right on that one. Both you and they feel honoured and respected because you are giving them the purity of your attention. It’s an incredible experience and it can feel a little scary to begin with. We’re not used to it. We’re much more used to checking out in our lives…imagining other things, planning stuff to do…we’re physically present but our minds have galloped off to someplace else.

Experiment with bringing your thoughts and your attention back to your conversations this week and see what happens. I’d love to know what happens, so do post in the comments.

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We’ve just had one of the biggest weddings of the year take place, that of Chelsea Clinton to Marc Mezvinsky. Or one of the biggest weddings of the century if you read the American tabloid press. The whole thing (allegedly) cost $5million. The airspace around the exclusive Astor Courts in upstate New York was completely shut down. Chelsea managed to plan the wedding with a mother who’s one of the most high profile women on the world stage today. I can only imagine how hard it must be to try and get hold of your mum, in Pakistan/Afghanistan/the White House just to have a conversation about floral arrangements. Thank god for smart phones!

Provided the pair got through getting hitched without a hitch, stats say they now face the most treacherous years of marriage right ahead of them. Not only is the dropout rate in the first two years of marriage particularly high (in Britain, almost 10% of all divorces happen in the first two years), but apparently the patterns that lead to divorce are already set.

A couple of academics in Texas have written a weighty tome, tongue tangling titled The Connubial Crucible: Newlywed Years as Predictors of Marital Delight, Distress and Divorce. The authors found that the way you behave in those early years foreshadows your long-term marital fate.

“Disillusionment as reflected in a decline in overt affection, a lessening of the conviction that one’s spouse is responsive and an increase in ambivalence distinguishes couples headed for divorce from those who establish a stable marital bond”, says Ted Huston, one of the authors.

All this behaviour allows resentment to build up between you. And resentment is the poison that slowly kills off relationships. The problem with allowing resentment to build up is that it has a way of eating up the insides of the person holding onto it. In turn it eats away at the integrity of the relationship.

I see this a lot in my office and the most common cause of allowing resentment to build up is that people have insufficient communication tools to be able to have the connecting conversations they need to be having instead of conversations that look and sound like this:

“ALL YOU DO IS MOAN!” *Holy shit, you think to yourself, all I said was we’re out of milk.*

Or…

“….” *This is the punctuation equivalent of sulking*

Or…

“Mutter…muttter….can’t load a stupid dishwasher…mutter…mutter” *Yes, ladies, I think we’ve all been here. King, Queen, Princess and President of that mystical land Passive-Aggressivelandia. It’s fun there! You get to mutter about things that annoy you under your breath! Their currency is called Sarcasm! Although inflation is high, so Sarcasm doesn’t buy you very much*

Making a conscious effort to equip yourself with communication techniques that actually work is a good place to start. In fact, it’s a good idea to start before you get married. And, as luck would have it, I’ve made something that can help with that. Check out my How to Survive and Thrive While Planning Your Wedding for tips and techniques you can use instantly to have better, more effective conversations with people today.

I literally just coached a friend through a tough conversation using these techniques, she’s got things back on track in a matter of minutes. So, I know they work!

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I don’t have to tell you that people planning weddings are stressed out. I’ve been around a few both personally and professionally of late and I’ve seen up close and personally how all sorts of stuff comes bubbling up to the surface. Old wounds get re-opened, old fights get re-fought and it can seem like this amazing, wonderful event is becoming eclipsed by crap. So who are the key players in the stress stakes and how can you cope with them better? Let’s take a look!

1. Wedding Vendors
Say “wedding” and the price goes up 25%. That goes for venues, caterers, florist etc. It’s one of the main reasons I know people choose to get married abroad where the wedding industry isn’t so intense – France for instance. Vendors want to make money and will often use what I call conversation spoilers such as judgement in order to apply the pressure and really hit your emotional trigger points. Have a budget and stick to it. Say NO (thank you). And learn to listen out for the kind of communication they’re using to get you to spend more than you’re comfortable with.

2. Divorced and bickering friends and family members

These people stress you out for a few reasons. One, you’re wondering how they’ll behave at your wedding. Two, you’re scared that’s going to be you in ten years with your love. And finally, it seems like they just suck all the positive energy out of the room.

How to deal with it? Well, this is where some savvy communication tactics come into play. Be ready to listen out for conversation spoilers like distortions, deletions, generalisations and providing solutions that all shut down open, honest and CLEAR communication. Second, brush up on your listening skills. Seriously, people love. to. talk. So if you can listen in a way that gets people talking, you’ll be off to the races in terms of diffusing the bickering and stopping it from raining on your parade.

Take some time to learn how to communicate to these folks so that you can let them know that what they’re saying is upsetting and hurtful and figure out some strategies together as to how you can move past this.

Finally, if you’re worried that this will be you and your honey in ten years time…think about a couple of sessions of pre-wedding counselling just to hone and polish your communication skills. Even the most sorted couples I know have said they benefited no end from taking this step to protect their relationship.

3. Well meaning opinions of others

Everyone will want to know the details of your wedding and everyone will have an opinion. That they’re not scared to voice. Sometimes forcefully. It blows my mind when I’m just on the side lines of a conversation about wedding plans…once revealed, I’ve heard people say, without a pause for thought of whether or not what they’re about to say might be hurtful, things like “Oh you don’t want to do that!” or “Green…? But that’s such a difficult colour to wear.” And guess what, you have the right to say “I don’t care”. You might not want to say that out loud or you might want to say it in a more polite way, but that’s still your right.

4. Your parents

Your parents may well have been a source of stress for most of your life, so why would they stop now, right?! Whether its complaining about money you’re spending, wanting to have a hand in everything, leaving you feeling like you’ll never live up to their ideals of what a wedding should be, or disapproving of your marriage totally, parents have that special knack to really push your buttons.
Be clear on your boundaries. That means being able to say no and sticking to it. If your parents are contributing money to the wedding, being clear on the boundaries is crucial. If you constantly find yourself saying “no, but” or “no, because” or “yes, no, maybe, I don’t know”…you’re demonstrating to that other person that it’s OK to push you, that it’s OK to over-step your boundaries because you don’t respect them either. It also means becoming aware of people-pleasing behaviour and making a conscious effort to move away from it.

5. Each other
It’s true, the number one person who will stress you out the most is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. This is mostly because weddings are stressful, and they’re the person you’ll be around most. The most common complaints are “He’s not doing anything to help with the wedding” and “she never talks about anything other than the wedding.” Avoid this with some simple planning.

And guess what? Clear communication is, again, the best way to gracefully navigate these choppy waters. That might mean you go ahead to divide up the tasks between you so that you don’t suddenly get into a row about doing most of the organising (don’t forget to check in with each other, it doesn’t take much to report back to the other person and say “Done, x,y and z!”)

You might want to take this a step  further and sit down with a calendar. Figure out when you have time to schedule a couple of hours each week to deal with wedding stuff together.

Then, schedule a NO WEDDING night. This is perhaps the most important thing to stop each other from stressing you out. One night a week, neither of you are allowed to mention the word wedding or anything wedding related. This can be a date night, or just a relaxing at home together night to remind you why you’re going through all this craziness in the first place!

If you’d like to invest in some strategies to help make planning your wedding easier, then you’ll love this new audio download I’ve created especially with you in mind! It’s called How to Survive and Thrive While Planning Your Wedding and it’s packed to the gills with skills on how to spot communication spoilers, how to talk so people will listen and how to get what you want without sounding (or feeling) like a brat!

Click on this link to grab your copy now!

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Another guest post for y’ll! This one is from the lovely Jane Michell at nkd Diets She’s in the process of moving and updating her website so I’ll point you in the right direction once that’s up and running. If you want to drop her line to get her incredible personal support and coaching for yourself on your weightloss journey (and seriously, you really might want to after reading this post) you can email her at Jane@thejmpeogramme.com

Have you ever wondered what’s happened when you find yourself in a newsagent buying, say, a bar of Galaxy, even though you’ve sworn you’re off chocolate? Or reaching across the table to finish off someone else’s chips? Or getting through an entire packet of biscuits? You may think you have no will power, but actually it’s much more complicated.

Many people believe that they just need will power or a good telling off to manage their weight successfully, but will power isn’t something you have or don’t have – it’s a skill (aside from Tamarisk…psychologists have also recently discovered that will power is also a finite resource, you literally can run out of it!). Saying no to the chocolate brownies, and turning down a much needed glass of wine is not only a sign of will power; it’s a sign that you’ve made a conscious choice to do something, because you believe the benefits outweigh the downsides. So while eating the chocolate brownie might make you feel better in the short term, it might also mean you won’t be able to fit into your skinny jeans! In reality everything we do is preceded by a thought. This includes everything we eat. It just may not seem like it because our actions often feel automatic.

Often overeating, grazing or cravings are unconscious, habitual responses to a variety of ‘triggers’. These triggers can be external, such as the sight or smell of food, or internal and emotional, such as a response to stress, anger, boredom or emptiness. In short, what, when and how we eat is strongly influenced by a wide range of social, cultural and biological factors.

These factors operate at an unconscious level; we are almost entirely unaware of them. In reality it is very difficult to distinguish between true hunger – when our tummy is rumbling and we are feeling the need for fuel – and emotional hunger. Emotional hunger encompasses a whole range of unconscious motivations. Some people eat when they feel upset, others when they are anxious or depressed. Some turn to food to alleviate boredom and others see it as a reward. The problem with emotional eating is that it usually results in us consuming a lot of calories we don’t really need, even if we think we want them.

In order to prevent emotional eating we first of all need to be able to recognize it. It is only when we have learnt to recognize it that we are able to make a conscious choice not to do it! Unless you have learnt to identify their distinguishing characteristics emotional hunger and true hunger can actually feel very similar. The next time you feel really hungry look for the following signals that your appetite may be based on emotions rather than true physical hunger. This awareness will help prevent an emotional eating episode.

Emotional Hunger is:

• Sudden. One minute you’re not hungry, the next you’re starving
• For a specific food. The only thing you need is a very specific food – chocolate, cake, biscuits…
• Is paired with emotion. Your work is going badly, you’re kids aren’t listening, your partner came home in a bad mood. Emotional hunger occurs in conjunction with an upsetting emotion.
• Often involves automatic or absent minded eating. This means you’re not aware of what you’re putting in your mouth. Classic examples are a Starbucks coffee and muffin eaten on the run.
• Does not recognise when you’re full and results in guilty feelings. Emotional eating often stems from a desire to meet the need of painful feelings that are difficult to stay with, we eat to numb the pain. The paradox is that we started eating to feel better, but we end up feeling a whole lot worse.

True, Physical Hunger is:

• Is gradual. Your tummy rumbles. An hour later it growls, you gradually feel the need for fuel.
• Is more flexible. With true physical hunger you are more open to a range of different choices and you’re listening out for what your body really needs.
• Occurs out of physical need. Perhaps it’s been some time since you last ate. You may be tired, low on energy or light headed.
• Involves choices and an awareness of what you are eating. When you are physically hungry you make a conscious choice about what and how much you eat.
• Stops when full. True, physical hunger comes from a desire to nourish the body. As soon as that intention is met you stop eating. There is NO guilt or shame associated with eating from a place of true, physical hunger.

So, how do we break the cycle of emotional eating?
The first step is to understand why. Are there any obvious triggers you can identify? Look at your current eating habits. What preceded your purchase of the Galaxy Bar, what happened before you reached across and ate the chips, why did you finish the biscuits? And crucially, how did you feel? Angry, bored, depressed, hopeless, out of control. It’s only by recognizing and
identifying these feelings that you can start to take action against emotional eating.

Try following these practical steps:

• Pause and ask yourself – do I want this or do I need this? Is this physical hunger or emotional hunger? Try and think of the consequences of eating whatever it might be.
• Get moving in the morning – sounds weird I know. But by taking a shower, putting in your contact lenses or even better getting some exercise before breakfast you will feel more in control.

• Think about your reason ‘why’ every day. People often have a very specific reason why they want to lose weight. Remind yourself daily of this reason.
• Adopt an Image – Is there an image or photograph that inspires you? If you have one, pop it onto your fridge, or keep it in your handbag.
• Find an alternative comfort to food – after a bad day comfort yourself with a luxury bubble bath, or even better a massage. Consider the benefits of a manicure, let’s face you can’t dip wet nails into the biscuit tin! By finding ways of coping with stress other than food you are empowering yourself to deal with life in a far more positive way.

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