Two Chairs Counselling

First of all let’s look at how some of our emotional baggage gets unpacked unwittingly in relationships – in other words, how it gets flung out of the suitcase! Often what happens in this situation is something called projective identification. Sounds complicated but stay with me.

It’s a defense mechanism that can cause a lot of problems in relationships and it goes a little something like this: you have a painful experience of a relationship (either with a parent or a former partner), it leaves you with painful feelings and emotions that are difficult to experience or stay with, so instead of processing it, you ignore it. It gets locked away in a secret place ready to cause mayhem later on.

Then, joy of joys! you meet someone new but bit by bit you begin falsly believing that they have the same traits as the previous person in your life who hurt you. Those unprocessed feelings and emotions from the past get projected onto the new person in your life. You begin relating to them in ways that alter your new partner’s behaviour and then, guess what, it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

How does that work? Let’s look at some examples:

• The paranoid person who behaves in a sneaky, suspicious way so that the people around him do start watching his every move.
• The girlfriend who behaves in unpredicatable ways that makes her boyfriends frustrated and angry to the point where she thinks all men are angry.
• The person who behaves as if all the people around her are needy and helpless by jumping in to do everything until no-one can do anything without her.

Projective identification is one of the reasons we’re attracted to certain types of people. A lot of the clients that come to work with me have realised this, they’ve realised that they are the common denominator in all the relationships they’ve had that haven’t worked out.

Projective identification is a very subtle, mostly unconscious process. But here are some questions or things to look at that can help you identifiy it for yourself:

1. Make a list of all the adjectives you can think of that describe your current partner. Then really scrutinize it.
2. Do any of those adjectives ALSO describe someone from your past? Try and be as honest with yourself as you can
3. Question again whether those adjectives really do describe your current partner
4. How did you feel at the beginning of the relationship?
5. What were your first impressions of your partner and to what extent have they changed over time?
6. How much of what you saw initially was true and how much of it was you making assumptions, fanatsizing about the perfect relationship or seeing only what you wanted to see?
7. Is your partner ‘just like’ someone else from you past – your mother, father, your first long term boyfriend…?
8. Look again at that list of adjectives and ask how many of them really describe you, or ways you wish you were, or ways you are uncomfortable being.

It’s not an easy task to do…allow yourself plenty of time, making sure you won’t be disturbed. Above all, remember to be compassionate with yourself while your doing this. It’s an exploration into understanding yourself better, it’s definitely not something to beat yourself up about or judge yourself over.

Tamarisk is the founder of Two Chairs Counselling in London Bridge. Two Chairs Counselling specialises in working with career-orientated women whose lives look great on paper, but suck in real life.

Sometimes it can feel like we’re surrounded by idiots, that everywhere we turn we’re dealing some new, previously undiscovered breed of moron. Difficult people seem to be everywhere. But because we’re only ever seeing the world through our own eyes, it can be hard to imagine that on some days, we’re the difficult person and it’s NOT everyone else.

I’ve come across a guy called Bob Sutton and his blog Work Matters. He’s written a fun book called The No Asshole Rule and on his blog he has a quizz you can take to find out if you’re the difficult. It does, of course, require an astounding degree of self awareness and honesty with yourself that I suspect the average “difficult person” would struggle with.

However, he highlights how if you work with a bunch of mean-spirited, back stabbing, cliquey types that that behaviour starts to rub off you. Studies have shown that emotions and behaviour patterns are remarkably contagious. Unwittingly, we start behaving in the same ways that the people around us do. He also points out that this behaviour can become part of a self-preservation strategy. In other words, we behave like our co-workers to protect ourselves – the group sanctions the behaviour and so it becomes permissable within that group to act like a douche or return fire when someone fires a cruel remark at you.

While you can jump over to the site and take the test for yourself, I was inspired to paraphrase some of the questions here. Have a think about them and be brutally honest with yourself when you answer. Think about these questions across a number of areas in your life – work, family, friendship groups etc.

• When you join a group does the mood palpably change? Do people leave the group soon after you join?
• When you do something generous for someone else, do you think it’s only right that your generosity allows you to direct that person’s actions?
• Do you find that people don’t readily return your phone calls and emails? Do people make plans without you, or invite you at the last minute?
• Do people seem slow to accept your generosity – say you offer to host Christmas dinner, you expect people would be thrilled but the response you get is less than luke-warm?
• Do you often find yourself rather defensively saying “I was only joking!?!” Does it seem like the people in your life constantly can’t seem to take a little teasing?
• Do you find yourself getting annoyed because despite giving great advice, no one ever follows it?
• Is it fairly common for people to offer to speak to third party for you on your behalf, rather than let you do your own talking?

Any yes answers here may indicate that you might be the difficult person. It’s not a hard and fast rule, of course, but try and be open to what comes up for you when you think about some of your answers and responses to these questions.

My sister is very wise. Sadly she’s decided not to be a counsellor so in order to benefit from her wisdom you have to know her personally. Because she’s too busy being a comedy shepherd to write a blog (she’s actually an agent for comedians but comedy shepherd is a funnier title).

I interviewed her over email on her tripod theory of life because I really think she’s on to something. The first question I ask was:

“What’s tripod theory of life you have then?”

The tripod of life is an idea I came across when I was in my first job out of university. It was a job that I loved (and a career I’ve pursued ever since). But once the excitement of the promotion from student to young professional wore off I realized having a job is hard work! I loved the line of work I was (am) in but after a couple of years I realized it was probably time for me to take the next step and move on to another company as things weren’t quite right there. I found myself feeling unusually anxious and stressed at the thought of making that leap to something new.

How could it cause me THAT much stress? I’m a smart, well educated confident person who’d had a great start to the working world, I can find another job surely, why the major panic? It wasn’t until I sat down with a friend and talked about it in relation to the rest of my life that I really understood where all this anxiety was coming from…..

We deduced that there are key element in life that stabilize us and give us security. They are Home/Family,  Relationship  and Work. These three things make up the TRIPOD OF LIFE.

The tripod stands firm with all three of its prongs grounded. This is when things are great, you have a happy relationship and lovely warm home and fulfilling work (whatever that may be, charity, being a mum or running a multi-national corporation)

Two grounded prongs is OK, we can handle this because even though one of those key elements may be up in the air we’ve got two prongs keeping us stabilized and giving us the strength and foundation to work towards securing or resolving the thing that toppled that prong.

With only one grounded prong we feel pretty wonky and with all 3 prongs kicked out from under us we can buckle completely.

You see at this time, I needed to get out of my current job, I was trying to sell my flat and find somewhere to live and a new person to live with and I was trying to come to terms with a gut wrenching end to what was already a very difficult long distance relationship. NO WONDER I was feeling so anxious!

All three prongs had pinged away from underneath me.

Once I managed to rationalize this I found it so much easier to identify and manage my anxiety. And with some serious talking to myself was able to replant my tripod. Pod by pod by pod.

When I broke it down like that. Everything seemed so much more possible. Three really is the magic number!

(This is the part where I was meant to ask another question, but basically I thought she summed up the whole thing so well, I couldn’t really think of one. See…I told you she was wise. I’m a lucky person to have her as my sister!)

I guess the only thing I might add to my sister’s super-cool tripod of life is our physical health. I love her tripod because what she’s focusing on here is our emotional health and I’m all about emotional health and well-being. But it’s also important to pay attention to our physical health – eating right, taking exercise and getting enough sleep is an integral part of emotional health too!

So thanks to my sister I hope you guys will refelct on your own “tripods” and maybe think about whether one prong is looking a little unstable.

Last year I had a really tough tripod moment when my flat got very badly flooded from above and I was forced to move out for 4 months and I found myself dating men who wanted different things me – very frustrating. My only solid prong was my wonderful counselling work. Once I worked on sorting out those two prongs, I felt much more grounded again.

Have you had any tripod moments? Post in comments!

Ever find yourself reacting to things instead of behaving? Lashing out at people, muttering mean remarks under your breath and generally not being the you you like the most? Well, I certainly have.

I’ve had days when it feels like the whole world is annoying me and I’m surrounded by idiots. I start telling myself that I don’t suffer fools gladly and all the while my friends and family have to deal with me. Being horrid.

Over the years I’ve come to realise that the world isn’t just out to get me or that for some reason I have been singled out for special treatment by a seemingly endless stream of morons. It’s me. I’m the problem. I’m what’s wrong with this picture.

It’s in that moment when I have to remind myself that I have a choice about how I respond to what’s going on around me. I can behave instead of react – knee jerk style. I’m not saying it’s easy because taking responsibility for myself and my feelings is the road less traveled. It’s harder to do that. It’s much easier to play the victim and act like everyone else is to blame.

They aren’t. The only one responsible for my feelings is me. When I find myself caught up in the cycle of blaming others and feeling like a victim, I have to remind myself to take a step back, take a deep breath and then commit to making a choice to behave differently. I remind myself that I don’t have to react immediately. I remind myself that my knee-jerk response may not be my best response.

I also draw my attention to my thoughts, which can sometimes seem like naughty children running around my head creating chaos. I remind myself that I’m in control of them as well, they’re not in control of me. My thoughts about events, people, situations, myself…whatever are just thoughts. They aren’t facts. So I start to consciously think different thoughts.

When I start making conscious choices about my thoughts and my behaviour, I like myself better and I’m a much nicer person to everyone else. And when I’m in that sort of head space, cool stuff starts happening!

So the next time you feel grumpy, moody, indignant and hacked off try taking a step back and consciously look at your choices, ask yourself how you would like to behave in the given situation rather than just going with your knee-jerk reaction.

Yes…the SWOT analysis! Haven’t we all had to do them for work? I know I did them constantly when I was working in media and especially when we were working on new business.

But if you haven’t come across them SWOT stands for Strengths, Weakness, Opportunities and Threats. It’s a tool usually used to analyse businesses but you can also use it on yourself. Check out this cool post at Goodlife Zen which talks you through how to do it. In this first post you’ll go through your Strengths and Weaknesses which are internal and about you. She has a second post about Opportunities and Threats which are external and about the outside world.

More and more I’m discovering that the best way to understand issues like stress is to understand how the body works – the sympathetic and the para-sympathetic nervous systems, stress hormones like cortisol and how all these elements work together.

As I’ve been learning, I wanted to share with you what I’ve discovered. Hormone receptors in the brain hold onto stress hormones up to 6 hours after they’ve been released. That means that you continue to feel the stress response long after the trigger has gone away. Ever noticed how a stressful start can end up triggering a really bad day? Well, this is part of the reason why.

So what can you do about it? You can shake it out! Having a shake out stimulates the sympathetic nervous system which controls the fight-or-flight response and encourages it to release the residual tension from your body. The hormone receptors in your brain get told to stop their uptake of the stress hormones, which stops you feeling stressed.

You’ll see animals doing this a lot if you look carefully. Watch two dogs in the park have a face off…barking, jumping at each other, getting ready to fight. As soon as the danger passes you’ll often see the dogs dive to the ground and have a good roll around. They are literally shaking and rolling out the remaining stress hormones they no longer need because the threat has passed.

So what can you do? Well, start by shaking out the wrists, up to the arms, roll your head around, shimmy those shoulders and carry on the shake out right through your body down your legs and ankles. Finish off with a deep breath in, exhaling as you bend down at the waist letting your head hang. Deep breath in as you stand up straight nice and slowly.

Following on from my post about the word can’t and why I dislike it (didn’t see it? You can read it here), I’m going to talk about a few other words I’m really not a fan of -

• should
• ought

Both of these words are judgmental, lack compassion and limit choice. Much in the same way as “can’t” does. Listen carefully for how judgmental these statements sound -

• I should exercise more
• I should eat more fruit and vegetables
• I ought to be riding my bike to work
• I ought to be putting more money into my pension scheme

Lordy…does that sound like the pointy finger of judgment to you? It totally does to me. As with sentences that use the word can’t in them, I find myself wanting to ask “well, why aren’t you exercising more/riding your bike to work/eating more fruit and veg/putting more money into your pension scheme”. Once you start asking questions along those lines you start to see how using the words should and ought subtly limits your perception of choice. You don’t have to do any of those things. Truly, the only person who’s going to be effected by any of those decisions is you. Doing any of those things is completely up to you.

Let’s try the same statements with different words to see how radically different they sound -

• I would like to exercise more. I know the endorphins will lift my mood
• I am not going to eat more fruit and vegetables because I hate them
• I’m scared of riding my bike to work
• I will put more money into my pension scheme. I want a comfortable retirement

Same statements but there’s much more ownership of the feelings that go with each of them. A way less judgmental, and to my ear at least they sound so much more compassionate and gentle than the statements with should and ought in them. There’s an acknowledgment of your choice in each example…obviously I don’t recommend the second one but I totally respect the honesty! You hate fruit and veg! Fair enough! At least you’re honest about it….yay you!

But seriously, 5-a-day people. Five-A-Day!

We all hold onto a lot of myths about what the perfect relationship is meant to be like and I, like pretty much everyone else, blames the media. I rarely see a realistic portrayal of a relationship on TV or on film. So what are the top five myths that keep you from enjoying a happy, healthy relationship?

1. Relationships are easy – well…no. They aren’t. That’s not to say they’re difficult either but lots of people seem to think that once you’ve found a partner then the hard part’s over. If you want your relationship to flourish you are going to have to tend to it. I feel an icky metaphor coming on here, but let’s just go with it – relationships are like a garden. You wouldn’t dream of planting seeds and saplings in a garden and then leaving it, going on nothing but faith and hope that it would blossom into something stunning. Gardens need to be watered, weeded and pruned regularly. It’s the same with relationships.
2. My partner and I should see eye-to-eye on everything – why? The two of you are different, discreet entities with your own thoughts and feelings. You aren’t two halves of the same whole. Believing that you should both have the same views on things means you both become diminished. There’s nothing more sad than seeing someone who was vibrant and alive with opinions vanish when they enter a relationship, morphing into the person they’re dating. It’s OK to disagree on things with your partner, the key is learning how to manage those disagreements through effective, empathic communication.
3. We shouldn’t argue or row – actually, I sort of agree with this one…I don’t believe that full on shouting and slagging matches are particularly healthy but if your partner has upset you and you simply bottle it up and allow resentment to fester instead of having a constructive conversation about what’s caused you to be upset, you’re allowing a fear of confrontation to get in the way of pursuing a health relationship. Disagreements happen, your partner will upset you and you will upset your partner, of this you can be assured. But not talking about it will cause the resentment to erode your relationship.
4. Our relationship should be like…my parent’s/my bestfriend’s/how it is in the movies – comparing yourself to others is fastest route to unhappiness. You’ll never see what goes on behind closed doors in other people’s relationships, so don’t make assumptions based on your limited observations. Looking outside of yourself to find happiness is always destined to cause you heartache, you are the only person who’s responsible for your emotions, I would encourage you to pay attention to what makes you happy, give up second guessing yourself by looking at what others have and focus instead on learning about you and what makes you thrive.
5. I shouldn’t have to tell my partner what’s wrong, s/he should just know by now – whoa! Hold up a minute! If your partner does just know what you want/why you’re upset/that you’d like him (or her) to try some different moves in bed then you happen to be going out with the world’s only psychic! Your partner is not telepathic nor is he/she psychic. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been going out for months or years, you are as much of an enigma to them as they are to you. And if you reverse this statement, you’ll realise how ridiculous it sounds – do you just know what’s wrong with your partner by now. I doubt it. Try and remember to be respectful towards your partner by teaching them “you”. You are always changing and growing and evolving…perhaps you need to update your partner with the most up to date information!